Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Are you reading David Roth over at The Awl? You really should be.
• Brian Phillips on F.C. Barcelona: "Well, the world is the world, and the give-and-take between commercialism and joy, between sentimentalism and rapture, between authentic awe and Bridgestone Awesome Moments™, is a defining feature of modern sports. At the very least, Barcelona manages the juggling act with as much aplomb as anyone."
• Vikings punter Chris Kluwe on the team's snow day: "The gang's heading back to the hotel for some vigorous mastur.., to watch some movies. Thanks for the memories Philly!"
• Blake Griffin, everyone:
Screengrab of Cleveland fan courtesy KingCuyahoga
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Good morning. Like everything else in America, we're moving a little slowly today. Please forgive us.