Today In The Premiership...

• Man City 0-1 Man Utd. The derby win means that Chelsea has to beat Arsenal tomorrow, or Manchester United clinches the Premiership title. I realize that this is somber news for the Manchester United haters, so I offer this as well:

And the ladies get a look at handsome Cristiano's abs, too. So that's fun.

In other Man City news, Joey Barton, midfielder and crazy motherfucker, was suspended for today's game and the rest of the season after beating the hell out of teammate Ousmane Dabo earlier this week.

• Reading 0-2 Watford. Tough one for Reading. They're hoping to qualify for UEFA Cup competition, but were set back today by a loss to sad-sack Watford. The win doesn't do a lot for Watford, either, they've already clinched relegation. The Reading goal-scorers were Marlon King and Dan Shittu.

• West Ham 3-1 Bolton. West Ham pulls themselves out of the relegation zone with their 3-1 win over Bolton. They now officially suck less than Wigan, who dropped a 1-0 decision to Middlesbrough, and are now proud owners of a spot in the bottom three, along with Charlton and Watford.