Two Bald Guys, Ruling Everything

Pity the poor parents of anyone who might have been featured on ESPN's coverage of track and field yesterday; we imagine them readying to watch their dear child heave the shot put or hoist a javelin, years of support and pride and sweat finally being showcased on national television ... and then, hey, look, Barry Bonds is batting! Like everyone else, we're eager to see Bonds finally pass Babe Ruth's home run mark; we'd all like to get on with our lives.

Tonight's showcase, of course, is Bonds playing alongside Albert Pujols, the supposed next-generation slugger, the guy whose official site is devoted a foundation to deal with Down's Syndrome, as opposed to hawking gaudy merchandise. Both players have been complimenting each other of late, which Cardinals Diaspora translates into "bullshitese."

When Bonds says "Now that I've got the record, why don't you guys go watch Pujols, he's the man this season," he actually means: "Jesus H Christ, I'm so sick of you guys in the media I can barely take a piss without a front page story in the USA Today and a tell-all book from some hack sports writer popping up at Barnes and Noble. If I were a less proud man, I'd jump off the Golden Gate Bridge." Or maybe you heard Albert say "Bonds is the best hitter in baseball right now. I just love watching him play." He actually means: "How utterly ridiculous would my numbers be right now if that juiced up philanderer hadn't double cycled and F'd up the record books. Seriously, I'm 1 game behind his pace of 73 HR's in a single season AND I'M CLEAN!!" When you know how to interpret what these two are actually saying, it makes a lot more sense.

Should be a grand time. Hey, whatever it takes to make Yankees-Red Sox a sidebar.

Monday Ramblins [Cardinals Diaspora]