Vikings Replace Norv Turner, Still Can’t Fucking Block

First they came for the teddy bears, and now the Vikings have sacrificed offensive coordinator and man-eating-alone-at-the-diner Norv Turner.

The move comes after the Vikings lost their second straight game, an ugly Monday night loss to Chicago that served to erase whatever goodwill this team built up after a 5-0 start. The Vikings currently rank second-to-last in offense and in the bottom five in both rushing and passing. Tight ends coach Pat Shurmur will assume Turner’s duties.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this offensive malaise—which looks to be unfixable until the 2017 offseason—is not Norv’s fault. The Vikings offensive line is currently the worst in football, and it was utterly helpless against Chicago two nights ago. This line was also dogshit in 2015, but GM Rick Spielman only made cursory changes to help improve it, bringing in free agent guard Alex Boone (redneck, inconsistent, hurt) and tackle Andre Smith (already on IR), and keeping LT Matt Kalil around (shitty, also on IR). And instead of drafting a lineman in the first round, he grabbed wideout Laquon Treadwell. Treadwell has yet to make a catch this season.

Combine that shoddy front with a depleted backfield (both Adrian Peterson and Jerick McKinnon have had injuries), and the Vikings’ offense is a three-and-out waiting to happen, no matter who’s calling the plays. I am depressed now. I’m gonna go chug sewer runoff.