Vile Cardinals Thwarted By Lorenzo Cain's Game-Ending Dong-Robbery

Opening Day, baby! Many good teams—the Yankees, the Dodgers, the Phillies, the Astros, the A’s—looked impressive; certain lousy teams—looking straight at you, Orioles—looked inept in a way that is possible to find charming in the very first game of the year. But wherever your team fell in all of this, surely we can all be united in gratitude to Lorenzo Cain of the Milwaukee Brewers, who tore a two-out, ninth-inning, pinch-hit dinger out of the sky to send the Cardinals to their first loss of the 2019 season.

That shot off the bat of Jose Martinez would’ve tied the game at five runs; instead the Brewers celebrated their first victory, and the Cardinals were sent to bed without supper. Afterward, Cain was joined at the winners’ podium by his two adorable sons, one of whom had a message for whosoever thinks they can win a baseball game by challenging his dad at the wall in center:

Not today, Cardinals.