What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. [Note: Headline has been updated. These are 2012 ER visits.]

Sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear:SEEDPAINTBRUSH"SOME BALLS"SLAGMAKEUP BRUSHPATIENT TOLD PARENTS THAT THE CATS STUCK SOMETHING IN HER EARGASOLINEBUTTERFLYHERSHEY KISS"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"

Nose:EAR PLUGCRAYONPLASTIC EYEBALLHEART-SHAPED GEMDIMEPENNYNICKELAA BATTERIESSPONGESMALL DECORATIVE ROCK2 ERASERSMULCH"PLACED A BEAD IN HER NOSTRIL, PATIENT HAS NO COMPLAINTS"

Throat:DETERGENT PACKWHISTLEENGAGEMENT RING"SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER""DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL & SWALLOWED A QUARTER"SCHOOL LOGO MAGNETCONFETTISCREWA TACOBALL OF STRINGA BEE

Penis:PENIS PLUG20-30 MAGNETIC BUCKY BALLSDICEFISHTANK AIRHOSEANTENNASEWING NEEDLEBB PELLET"WIDE WOODEN DOWEL"NAILPLASTIC PIPE, DENTAL FLOSS WITH BEADSWIREMARBLEEMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS "TO PLEASE THE LADIES"

Vagina:GLUE STICKBARRETTESMALL FINGER VIBRATOR–"IT'S STILL ON"TOILET PAPER"LONG BLACK OBJECT"PENIS RINGRIVET"WORMS COMING OUT OF PEE-PEE"—PINWORMSSPOONPENCIL ERASERPLASTIC BOTTLE OF CREAM (LID STILL ON)NAPKINS IN VAGINA TO HAVE SEX DURING PERIOD

Rectum:PENCILPENCILSSHAMPOO BOTTLECOLOGNE BOTTLELOTION JARSODA CANSODA BOTTLEFLASHLIGHTBATHTUB STOPPERSHOT GLASS (BROKEN)SOCKICE PACKEND OF CURTAIN ROD"PATIENT STATES HE WAS EXPERIENCING AN ITCHY RECTUM AND INSERTED A REMOTE CONTROL TO SCRATCH"VIBRATORVIBRATOR BATTERYCOVER OF VIBRATORTIP OF VIBRATOR"BIG PURPLE DILDO""PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"LIGHTERTOY SUBMARINETOOTHBRUSH HOLDER2 HALVES OF BAR OF SOAPPOOL BALLLIT BOTTLE ROCKET; "IT DIDN'T GO WELL"