What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Ah, the penis. That most comical and vulnerable of body parts. It was a bad year for all of us, but for the approximately 1.2 billionth year in a row since the emergence of sexual differentiation, it was a particularly rough year for groins. This selection of real, horrible injuries proves that Murphy’s Law is centered on the crotch.

All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

PLAYING BASKETBALL 2 WKS AGO, HIT IN LEFTT TESTICLE BY BALL; DOG ALSO JUMPED ON PATIENT MULTIPLE TIMES, SAME AREA

PT’S FIANCEE PUT HER ENGAGEMENT RING ON PT’S PENIS. RING STUCK

USING HAND GRASPER TO MASTURBATE & IT GOT STUCK @ THE BASE OF THE PENIS

STUCK A WIRE INTO PENIS AND CUT TIP OF PENIS OPEN W/SCISSORS TRYING TO REMOVE IT

WAS ACCIDENTALLY KICKED IN TESTICLE BY 70LB GRANDSON

INTOXICATED AGGRESSIVELY DANCING AGAINST A FEMALE PARTNER WHEN FELT A POP IN HIS PENIS

EATING BOWL CHILI THAT WAS BOILING HOT, SPILLED DOWN CHEST, ONTO GENITALS, DIDN’T REMOVE CHILI

RECIPIENT OF ORAL SEX BY FEMALE W/ LIP PIERCING. OPEN WOUND OF PENIS

FORESKIN OF PENIS GOT CAUGHT IN ZIPPER

ACCIDENTALLY ROLLING OUT OF BED & FALLING ON HIS ERECT PENIS. STATES IMMEDIATLEY FELT A POP & LOST ERECTION.

GOING IN HOUSE AFTER TAKING OFF BATHING SUIT, CLOSED DOOR ON PENIS INSTEAD OF OPENING DOOR, HE PULLED PENIS OUT

FELL DOWN THE STEPS OF HIS MOBILE HOME ONTO A STACK OF WOOD, CONTUSION PENIS

PLACED A BOTTLE OPENER ON PENIS THINKING IT WOULD FEEL GOOD BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK AND NOW IT IS NECROTIC

WAS SLEDDING WITH HIS NIECE AND WENT OVER A BUMP AND NIECE CAME DOWN ONTO PT’S TESTICLE

DRIVING A GO-CART LOST CONTROL HIT GENITAL AREA AGAINST STEERING WHEEL

PLAYING W FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS PUPPY MASTIFF JUMPED ON PT WHILE HE WAS STANDING & NIPPED/BIT HIS PENIS. WEARING THICK UNDERWEAR.

STATES HAS SPIDER BITE ON HIS PENIS WHICH HE ATTRIBUTES TO CLEANING HIS DECK IN HIS BOXERS.

WALKING ALONG THE RIM OF A DUMPSTER AND SLIPPED STRADDLED THE EDGE CONTUSION TO PENIS

SHOVELING SNOW AND HANDLE OF SHOVEL HIT HIM IN GENITALS

FIREWORKS PLACED IN GENITAL AREA UPSIDE DOWN EXPLODED ABRASION TESTICLE

GOT TIP OF PENIS CAUGHT IN A HARD SUNGLASS CASE

PATIENT FELL OFF MONKEY BARS AT SCHOOL HE HIT HIS GENITALS THEN LANDED ON HIS HEAD ON GROUND

TRIPPED OVER UNTIED SHOE LACES WHILE RUNNING, FELL ON CONCRETE HURTING PENIS

PENIS INJURY MALE WAS MOWING HIS LAWN WHEN AN UNSPECIFIED OBJECT FLEW UP FROM UNDERNEATH THE MOWER CUTTING HIM.

ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK BY BROKEN DRILL BIT TO TESTICLES

PENILE PAIN SINCE AWAKING WITH ERECTION 3 DAYS AGO AND TRYING TO PUSH PENIS DOWN TO FIT IN UNDERWEAR