Why do these XFL team names all sound like car models?

The post-Super Bowl no-football reality is about to set in, to the displeasure of sports fans and media alike. It’s as close as we get to acceptable bloodsport, and human violence is the most interesting drama and the only thing that draws page views. So thank god for The Rock, the XFL, and America (in that order). This weekend Dwayne Johnson’s Jeep-Dodge-Ram-inspired league kicks off with all your favorite models.

2024 Vipers, Renegades, Guardians, and Defenders are all fully loaded and available now. Thirty-seven cupholders, heated seats, backup dash cam, and keyless start are all standard. And, for the next 12 weeks only, I’m giving them to you at zero down and interest-free for the FIRST THREE MONTHS. That’s right. Zero down and no interest for three payments.

So come on down to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Jeep-Dodge-Ram today where we’re always The People’s Champ.

Sorry, that’s the gist of it. The XFL starts this weekend, and half of the teams have names of car models. The other franchises are dubbed the Roughnecks, BattleHawks, Brahmas — Brahma Bulls was on the table — and Sea Dragons. I’m sure you already knew that but I didn’t see anyone make this joke at the time so here we are… waiting for a point to keep going.

My guess is that the names are a coincidence and not The Rock’s removal from the Fast and Furious franchise subconsciously manifesting into a football league.