Why the NFL Super Bowl Should Never Be Played in London

The British are coming! The British are coming … for the Super Bowl.

An English diplomat apparently wants to bring the crown jewel of American sports to the United Kingdom.

"I want that Super Bowl in Britain," Peter Mandelson, the British ambassador to the U.S., told an audience in Chicago last week.

"I don't care when it takes place, but I want it announced while I'm ambassador," he added. "We love it, we love it."

Slow your roll, Lord Spoilsport.

The Super Bowl is ours. It's as American as apple pie, type 2 diabetes and student loan debt. You don’t see us trying to steal your precious cricket championships — or even understand the rules, for that matter.

There’s no precedent for exporting one of this nation’s professional sports championships, unless you count Canada. And who can even remember the last time one of our northern neighbor’s teams won a Stanley Cup?

We understand why the U.K. would want to host the first international Super Bowl.

First, there’s the money. Loads of it. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce estimated the local economic impact of Super Bowl LVIII in Las Vegas at $1 billion — about 740 million pounds for our friends across the pond. That much quid will buy a lot of hats and jerseys at Ye Olde NFL Fan Shoppe on Oxford Street.

Next, there’s the league’s growing global popularity. The NFL has been playing regular-season games in England since 2007, including three during the upcoming campaign. Yet no matter how many Jacksonville Jaguars games we keep sending to London, fan interest continues to swell. Tickets are already sold out for the Oct. 5 game between the Minnesota Vikings and Cleveland Browns at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

We get it, England. But there are plenty of football-mad American cities that could use an economic boost. And where would it end? The NFL is also playing games this year in Brazil, Spain, Germany and Ireland.

One strike against a British Super Bowl is the infamous weather. When the Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs met in Super Bowl LIX last Feb. 9, it was sunny with temperatures in the mid-70s in New Orleans. On the same day in London, it was rainy and 40. That’s Fahrenheit, by the way. Football is not a Celsius sport.

Then there’s the time difference. The kickoff for the Big Game is typically around 6:30 p.m. ET. If you started the game at 6:30 p.m. in London, that’s only 10:30 a.m. in Los Angeles. You might enjoy "Breakfast at Wimbledon," but we require way more time for pregame overindulgence.

Forget the Super Bowl, England. The closest we want to get to the royal family is a Prince halftime hologram show.

Besides, a team called New England already shares the bloody record with six Super Bowl wins. Isn’t that enough?

Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but waiting a quarter of a millennium to get even for your former colonies’ declaration of independence? That’s colder than day-old fish and chips.

With all due respect to His Excellency the Right Honourable Lord Mandelson, you can borrow our Jaguars, sir, but stay away from our inalienable rights to life, liberty and the Lombardi Trophy.