Why Your Team Sucks: Tennessee Titans

Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. The whole Kige Ramsey thing is old now. Yeah, yeah, I get it. He's retarded. He makes hand gestures. He's very literal. Hilarious. I've had enough just about enough of the whole "Kige Ramsey is so dumb, he's brilliant!" thing. He's but one symptom of the wave of supposed unintentional comedy currently pervading the American landscape. We're so busy laughing at shit that isn't funny that it's affecting our overall funniness as a culture. Know why some people think Dane Cook is funny? Because they're too busy laughing at an episode of fucking "Flavor of Love" to know any better. Demand more of your fucking comedy, people.

2. No Haynesworth means Cortland Finnegan will suck. It's amazing how much a run-stuffing defensive tackle can serve to improve other players on defense. With Albert Haynesworth plugging the middle, linebackers don't have as many blockers to shed, or they can drop further back into coverage, which then eases pressure on the secondary. Every position on defense has an affect on every other position, but that defensive tackle can exert perhaps the greatest influence of all. The Titans had a lot of standout players on defense last year: Finnegan, Keith Bullock, Kyle Van den Bosch. Will they all be just as good without the big fella around this time around? Fuck and no.

3. You Tennessee folk were in on this whole slavery business. Peter King cracked the code!

4. You will never be the Volunteers. Face it: the Titans exist primarily as a way for college football fans in Tennessee to nurse a Sunday hangover. What's that? The Titans blew a #1 seed and fell to Baltimore in the divisional round? Oh well, that's too bad. HEY Y'ALL, DIDJA JUST SEE WHAT THAT THERE CRAZY COOT LANE KIFFIN JUST DID?! HE TWEETED A RECROOOOT! I'D FUCK HIS WIFE TILL HER HEAD FELL OFF!

5. When Kerry Collins is your QB, one of two things can happen. One: he'll play serviceable but unspectacular football for the season, then fail to deliver in the playoffs, when you actually need to be able to pass the ball in important moments. Two: he'll start drinkin' toilet cleaner again, then he'll whip out the sambo dolls and stage a little Mantan puppet show in the locker room. Either way, while the Titans claim to be happy with their quarterbacks, the fact is that their fate lies in the hands of a thoroughly average journeyman, backed up by a limp-armed head case with a shit attitude.

And that's the Titans for you. Always good. But always a yard or two shy of being good enough to give a shit about.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better.