Zambrano Pitches, Hits, Uses Inverted Pyramid

The Cubs have to be one of the most disappointing teams in the National League. It was nice for Carlos Zambrano to do, well, everything in the game today.

Not only did he ghostwrite the MLB.com recap of his own article, but he got the win, hit a homer, and perhaps used some ancient warlock magic to cause Albert Pujols to bobble a ground ball. Ah, the Phoenician stumblus-wumblus incantation. My one weakness. How did you ... kn ... ow ... urrrgh...

In other baseball notes, Pedroia Smurf will not be playing in the All-Star game, as he will be visiting his wife, who's experiencing labor complications, and not the kind that cancelled the 1994 World Series. Carlos "False Tilde" Peña will be taking his place, putting exactly 81 first basemen in the All-Star game. I can't wait to live blog it. OR WILL I?

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It's probably time I put down the pen. I've made a terrible mess that only the daytime crew can clean up. Much appreciated for you to have me today. Last one to leave, please feed the llama.