Dead Letters: "Do You Not Know That Anyone, Especially My 8 Year Old Granddaughter, Can Google Information About Horses?"S

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Rafalca

From: Ann Jegers
To: Tom Ley

Hey, do you not know that anyone,especially my 8 year old granddaughter, can google information about horses? Why do you feel that you can use profane adjectives to describe what it costs to maintain an Olympic quality horse? This is America. If you make the money, you can spend it anyway you see fit. You can't tell me that an elite human athlete who is training for the Olympics doesn't spend an exorbitant amount of money.
You must be well educated. Please expand your vocabulary.
I won't even get into your use of a sport site to express your political views.

Subject: COMMENTING SECTION

From: Jared Sheehan
To: Drew Magary

Drew,

I am a loyal reader of Deadspin and your Funbag and Dadspin pieces. I would enjoy your pieces on KSK, but that site gets blocked at work.

I am writing in regards to the updated commenting format on Deadspin. I understand upgrading the software and format shit - that's just fucking progress and gives the computer nerds something to do in between fapping sessions. But this most recent update has totally opened the floodgates for these borderline retards to vomit all over every article. What is so wrong with the new commenting system that it does not require a screening process? Are these additional visitors getting Daulerio THAT much more money for his horse porn site subscriptions to turn Deadspin into ESPN message boards?

I'm sure you have seen the responses to your "Why Your Team Sucks" pieces. The ignorance is funny for a comment or two, but all this garbage has ruined the typical Deadspin comments I grew to love (think of the Roethlisberger "NFL Therapist" types). By the way, fuck the Raiders.

I'm not expecting a post or a response, I just wanted to let you know that a dedicated reader has been receiving a lower quality product so Daulerio can look at more horse porn.

Sincerely,

Jared

P.S. Daulerio looks at horse porn.

We reached out to A.J. Daulerio for his response:

Thanks for sharing this, Jack. First off, I'm disappointed to see that Deadspin still has whiny dickheads obsessing about the site's "commenting system" like it's some small town Rotary Club. Yes, we've discontinued serving bottomless cups of coffee and clam chowder on Wednesday nights. Go start a petition to validate your existence and we'll put it to an imaginary vote right now. All those in favor of making Whiny Dickhead eat clam chowder in the parking lot of a Fuddrucker's if he doesn't shut the fuck up say 'Aye'! [SCREAMING AYE! LIKE BRAVEHEART AND BANGING A GIANT GAVEL ON MY MONITOR UNTIL IT SHATTERS]

Secondly, tell this whiny dickhead that he should consult the nearest About page so he can see that this "Daulerio" person no longer oversees Deadspin and even when I did, "Daulerio" never got paid per whiny dickhead. Oh, but I wish I did! Because with those kazillions of whiny dickhead dollars I would buy many acres of land in Montana along with many porn-star horses just so I could send an Instagram photo of all the hot equine action as a thank you note to this asshole every day of his miserable existence.

Subject: scocca

From: Zack H.
To: The Staff

Get Scocca off your site. His article about sponsored jerseys is about as fucking dumb and uninformed as possible. And I hate ads on uniforms.

-cheers

Zack H.

Subject: My chiefs

From: kcchiefs.hampton
To: Drew Magary

Why r u so jealous of our chiefs? U should go the rams chiefs game in august chiefsfans dominate there and wait til u see our boys kill gayton manning on the donkeys were from Month we will show u.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Subject: [no subject]

From: dekle
To: The Staff

Here's a tip:

SHUT UP

Subject: scandal hunter

From: Dan Pettit
To: Tommy Craggs

I think you're lucky to have Charles Robinson consider you a peer. You do come off like an immature prick, just like you said. That matters.

I love deadspin. I'm sure you are rightfully proud of your part in the platform for sports and debate that deadspin has provided. However, you should aspire to reach the level of journalism of Robinson and Wetzel.

Please act professionally you stereotypical over-educated fake machismo eunuch keyboard jockey.

-Dan

Subject: olympics hater's list

From: Nkrez
To: The Staff

The more I read the less I like this site:
 

British people like mayonnaise wayyyyy too much. For an anti-mayo activist like me, England is hell on Earth.

—-I thought white people HAD to like Mayonaise…haven't you seen undercover brother
 

Most of them are filthy drunks who sound like a Monty Python Gumby sketch when they talk.

—-If he's insulting Monty Python .....
 

TABLE TENNIS.
I can't even see the ball. For all I know, you people are just staging an elaborate pantomime routine in order to justify your Olympic status. It's bullshit. You are a rec room game for premature ejaculators and you deserve to be part of some other, less prestigious suite of sporting events, like the Delta Tau Homecoming Olympics and Rape Social.

—not my fault that running a lame internet blog doesn't offer good medical benefits
 

BASKETBALL.
I'm not gonna support any team that has Coach K and his fucking rat face as its leader. Late at night, Coach K joins with IOC members to don goat leggings, slurp blood wine, and slaughter virgin sex slaves. And you can't tell me any different.

—-not sure what he's complaining about - that the internet blocks him at the computer monitor so he can't be as interactive?
 

EQUESTRIAN.
The horse is doing all the fucking work! Do you realize that horses don't get medals for equestrian events? Only the jockey gets the medal. THAT IS CRAP. The fuck did you do, Mrs. Romney? Apart from straddle Rafalca and get your pussy damp? You want a gold medal for that? Eat $hit and die.

—- If a horse beat superman I want this pale skinned resident of his mother's basement to give it a shot…
 

SAILING.
Sailing is for assholes. Not only is it a pastime of revoltingly rich people who summer in Newport, but people who sail also have a retro fetish akin to people who still use typewriters. We have motorized water transport now. Stop playing Master & Commander and bragging about how many fancy cleat knots you can tie. Use a speedboat like normal people.

——sounds like he has a problem with elitism - bet that wouldn't be the case if his blog got 1% of the hits that Mad Money with Jim Cramer gets…..
 

WRESTLING.
Let's all just admit that pro wrestling is vastly superior. Watch amateur wrestling for three minutes and you'll quickly understand why. Pro wrestlers know full well that you don't want to watch one guy try and give another guy a reacharound for three straight minutes.

—-anyone that promotes pro wrestling loses all credibility instantly…..
 

WATER POLO.
Total asshole sport. AND it's unwatchable. Throw a 3-year-old in the pool and you get roughly the same viewing experience. Lots of splashing.

—-sounds like someone had a bad experience with the water at an early age….
 

SOCCER.
You people on Twitter need to shut the fck up about soccer. On random mornings, I'll go to check the news and instead of a nice variety of stories on my feed, it's just 30 assholes posting COME ON YOU BLUES! or some other dipshit soccer live tweet that is completely lost on me. I want a SOCCERBLOCK feature on Twitter, so that I can eliminate all soccer-related tweets from otherwise reasonable people. And didn't they just have a big international soccer tourney? I feel like they stage one of these things every three weeks. Even Yom Kippur doesn't happen this often. Enough. Fuck off with soccer for a while. I have preseason football to watch.

—-I think the problem is he goes to Twitter for his news…and that he's stoked for pre-season football…

Subject: Please, please make it stop

From: Josh Davidson
To: The Staff

Please go back to the old commenting system. Please. Dear God of all that is holy, you have killed the best comments section on the interwebs. See through whatever dark arts spell Kinja has cast on you, and kick that shit to the curb.

From: Josh Davidson
To: The Staff

My fiancee just told me how stupid and horrible Kinja has made the comment section.

Please move the dial back to 11!

Subject: Kane

From: Noah Jacobs
To: The Staff

Patrick Kane likes to party. He's not partying anymore than you guys web you like to have a good time, and you don't have drinking problems. At least we would never know bc it never shows up on the field. More Patrick kane drinking photos, less diagnosis.

Noah

Sent from my iPhone

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