23 Things I Say To My Kids Every Goddamn Spring Break

I am a dad at all times but Spring Break is when I am, without fail, at my MOST dad. It combines all the prime elements of flustered dadding: travel, overpriced food, renting things, lines, dealing with people behind counters, frantic searches for alcohol, and such and such. It’s not so much a vacation as it is a gauntlet, with each conquered parenting obstacle giving way to an even greater, more formidable parenting obstacle. It is AP Dadding. Thus, I end up exhibiting virtually every shade of frustration in the span of that week, and saying the same shit over and over again. Here now is a sampling:

1. “What on EARTH is taking so goddamn long?”

2. “I can’t hear the GPS lady with you guys screaming.”

3. “We didn’t come all this way for you to play fucking War Robots.”

4. “You can look at that but I’m not buying it.”

5. “The water’s great once you get used to it!”

6. “I’m not eating at this dump.”

7. [Exhausted, all other restaurants have a two-hour wait] “Christ, I guess we’re eating at this dump.”

8. “How come they got their food before us?”

9. “Let’s just order a pizza tonight.”

10. [Pizza also a two-hour wait] “Let’s just have some crackers.”

11. “There’s way more space here than we’d get at a hotel.”

12. “You’re fine. You’re not getting sick.”

13. “You’re not tired.”

14. “It’s my fucking vacation too, you know.” (NOTE: I may or may not have yelled this out loud while another vacationing couple was waiting for an elevator right outside our door.)

15. “You can’t have ice cream at 8:30 in the morning.”

16. “How you guys liking vacation so far?!” [Expects nothing less than vigorous approval]

17. [Lying] “Last picture, I swear.”

18. “Oh god did we lose the key?”

19. “NOW you gotta pee?”

20. “$28?!”

21. “What if we found some, like, street magic?”

22. “Don’t let them take your photo. They expect you to pay for that, you know.”

23. “Is this awesome or WHAT?!”