The Super Bowl is about one thing—filling your slobbery gullet with the greasiest ranch-flavored foods on the planet. But throw all that out the window this year, because your party has already been ruined.
Noted chicken separator Pilgrim's Pride Corp. filed for bankruptcy protection on December 1, which in these troubled times is not that unusual. The problem is that they supply roughly one quarter of the 24 billion "wing segments" that were eaten last year. This development has severely stunted chicken wing production and driven up prices across the country.
Don't be alarmed, says the National Chicken Council—there are plenty of wings to go around. But of course they would say that. Everyone knows the NCC is in the pocket of the Illuminati. But the Bureau of Unverifiable Statistics says that 5% of our yearly wing consumption happens on Super Bowl weekend, so if you don't think that the upcoming national holiday is in jeopardy, then you're just a slave to the system, man.
Will There Be Enough Chicken Wings Available Super Bowl Sunday? [Sports Rubbish]