Where Aaron Rodgers could end up now that Tom Brady is retired

The NFL quarterback market is drying up and the offseason hasn’t officially begun yet. With Tom Brady announcing his second retirement via Twitter, the next available decaying legend is Green Bay Packers signal-caller Aaron Rodgers. He has returned to his usual cryptic, blameless self, and who knows what his future holds.

That’s where the media comes in. We’re essentially sports oracles, and it’s time to put my considerable talent to use. Without further delay, here are the top 10 places Rodgers could end up next year.

Oh, so sorry, Aaron. Did Ken Jennings steal your job? Producer note: Tone down the condescension. We’re looking for a game show host, not some guy doing a bad impression of Will Ferrell doing a good impression.

Rodgers might flat-out steal McAfee’s job. (We know he loves the sound of his own voice, especially when he thinks he’s being profound.) However, if that doesn’t happen, he can literally be the Robin to McAfee’s Howard Stern. (Cue dry heaving.)

Rodgers is too self-involved not to end up on a reality TV show; I’m just unsure of which one. It wouldn’t surprise me if Mr. Conspiracy Theory also fancies himself as a survivalist. I just hope Dwight Schrute (McAfee?) is nearby to keep him from eating the bad mushrooms.

He already has the requisite tattoo — which has its own Twitter account — and dating history.

I’m going to hold off on any jokes that might get Rodgers to follow his mentor’s path.

This is basically the same joke as Coachella, but with a tinge of Jesus complex, which I think definitely suits No. 12.

The only good that’ll come from Rodgers donning a Jets helmet will be the shock to the system that is the pivot from a Wisconsin media scrum of patsies to a hoard of New York reporters taking a crowbar to his insecurities.

If he comes to New York, I can see Aaron in the West Village this spring, sitting at an outdoor cafe, sipping a latte, hair slicked back, a little scruff, sunglasses, black shirt and jeans, listening to a waifish Vogue model talk about her dreams of growing her TikTok following. (℅ Deadspin video guy Andy Mills)

Cut to Aaron angrily asking his agent why no one respects his range. “Did they not see when I played hipster Aaron? Or had a body double? I could be a character actor. Ask Jake from State Farm.”

Let’s be honest. A lot of the Packers’ struggles a season ago were due to Rodgers missing open receivers and not playing up to his typical MVP level. If he ends up looking like dogshit in a new city, his adoring fans won’t be there to make excuses for him. Ask Russell Wilson.