Athlete Dong: Omnium-Gatherum And Critical Analysis

Poor Greg Oden — his penis made him an unfortunate rising Google-trender. Of course, Oden isn't the first athlete to have his privates posted online. The Awl's Choire Sicha, Deadspin House Gay, provides commentary on sport's many peacocks.

Santonio Holmes, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers: I would rate this as some fairly significant dong. What makes it appealing is two-fold. First, it's not overwhelming. It's sort of friendly! It's not, like, "HAAYYYY, I'M HUGE!" Although his manparts also give the impression of being extremely wide when hard. (Is that a t-shirt? Or just a highway warning sign?) And that's good that it doesn't come off immediately as huge, because, guess what? Huge takes work. Second, it's fairly spectacular placement on the body does it a lot of good. Because of his abs and the length of his torso, his hip points appear extremely high, which makes the placement of the bottom of his unit appear very low. Also, very important! He's not overtrimmed in an amateurish way, where guys shave off too much in a fit of vanity and look disgusting.

Chris Cooley, TE, Washington Redskins: Assessing Chris Cooley's junk, it's important to keep in mind that the tight end is 250 pounds and has legs like two white and angry bears. Basically a can of Pringles would look small next to his legs. In fact, if you use complicated Photoshop metrics to compare the size of his legs to the size of the member that he so famously accidentally depicted, it favors him rather well!

Visanthe Shiancoe, TE, Minnesota Vikings: Aww, Visanthe. Still gotta feel bad for him that they put his business on the TV. How would you like that? And the enormous fella from Maryland seems like a nice guy! But the schlong, as seen here, doesn't do much for me, to be honest. I give it a solid B-.

Grady Sizemore, OF, Cleveland Indians: These photographs are actually important, and I mean that in, like, a Susan Sontag way, because his junk and his self-presentation are all bound up together. Look at the way he gestures and fronts his unit! These are the self-portraits of a terrible, terrible narcissist. I do not know Grady Sizemore but if he had sent these pictures to me, I would be simultaneously enthralled and repulsed. He is the very definition of the groovy hate fuck (trademark Pussy Galore). His junk itself is largely irrelevant, because Grady Sizemore is actually all wang from head to toe—he basically is his own cock, as these pictures reveal, in the way that any narcissist is just an extension of his own penis. Anyone who's ever experienced any self-loathing at all would immediately jump on this. And then feel really, really foul.

Greg Oden, C, Portland Trailblazers: This becomes less impressive when you remember that Oden is literally seven feet tall. However? My metrics indicate that this is about 8.5 inches—soft. So. Hey! Party time! The sad thing about these pictures is, however, that now his lil' brother Anthony is now cautioned from taking his own naked shots, and that's a shame.

Jon Gruden, Monday Night Football: I highly suspect that one wouldn't fire Jon Gruden if he were coaching some skanky DP video, because that is some serious Dick Cheney johnson-girth action.

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