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Blown Threesomes! Great Moments In Drunken Hookup Failure

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

W:

One night out at the bar, I saw a decent girl from one of my classes and her hot friend with massive tits from out-of-town. Afterwards she invited myself and a few friends to her house. I had no delusions of hooking up with either girl, but had no clue I would have a great shot with both later that night. When we got to their house, they took out some stupid game like Apples to Apples or some shit like that. We tolerated the game because the girls were pretty damn hot. Since the game sucked, we all were mainly concentrated on drinking. Soon, all of my friends managed to drink themselves blotto and pass out, which provided me the chance to get my game on (not saying much since I look like young Kurt Rambis). I felt I had a good shot based on odds and the fact they seemed horny only.

I continued to play this stupid game with these dumb girls, and the topics got more "fresh" as time progressed. We talked a lot about sexual positions and sexual innuendo and lesbian sex and I liked where this conversation was going. I also found out they had a gay roommate named Freddie, but they said he wasn't home. This seemed trivial at the time.

The decent girl from class invited me up to her room, and I thought the Poon-Gods were smiling upon me. Unfortunately, she passed out 5 minutes into the makeout session. So I thought I would try to get a handparty with Hottie McMegatits downstairs. She smiled as I came down the stairs and told me to sit down beside her.

We got down to a little bit of business, kissing, dry humping, and grabbing some nice-sized boobie. I thought I would finally be able to write Penthouse about that fantasy I had always dreamed of, when she shrieked and ran upstairs. I turned around to see a man, with no pants or boxers, at full attention, cupping his balls with his hand. It was Freddie. We locked eyes for 30 seconds without words, until he went back downstairs. From downstairs, I heard "oh my gawd, Nicki's friend is such a fucking slut!" and another voice saying "oh geez, i know!", followed by a door slam.

My classmate and myself never spoke of this again. However, my friends still think I had a threeway with her and her friend.

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You earned that lie, my friend. You earned it.

Mike:

It was my 22 birthday so my friends and I decided to celebrate. After downing several shots at our usual watering hole, we decided to check out a bar that had just opened on campus. As I walked into the bar, there stood this hot girl that I met on spring break a few weeks earlier, but didn't have the chance to hook up with because her fat friend was having an emotional breakdown at the time and she needed to comfort her or some bullshit. No fat friend in sight, I walked over and begin flirting with her. We talked for a while and she eventually offered to buy me a shot for my birthday. She ends up buying me a shot of 151. Not wanting to be a pussy in front of my lady friend, I take the shot and was able to keep everything down. Impressed by my drinking skills, I some how convince her to come back to my apartment.

We get back to my place and start making out in the living room. Eventually we move to my bedroom where one thing leads to another and next thing I know we're both naked in my bed. The girl goes down on me and starts giving me a blowjob. After a minute or two of enjoyment, things begin to change as the room starts to spin. Not wanting her to stop giving me head, I try hard to convince myself that I'm not going to puke. After a few minutes, she moves to assume the position on top and asks if I have a condom. At that point I realize that I'm about to puke all over this girl, so I quickly tell her that I have condoms in my bathroom as I head for the door.

Just as I make it to the bathroom, I start puking all over the place; the sink, floor, and eventually in and on the toilet. Knowing there is a hot naked girl laying in my bed, I try to clean up the mess. At some point during the cleanup I blackout and end passing out butt naked on the bathroom floor. The next thing I know (four hours later), I'm being kicked by my roommate who was trying to go pee but instead finds me naked on the bathroom floor. After I realize where I am and how I got there, I walk back into my room and to my surprise the girl was still in my bed. As I got back into bed, she woke up, so I acted like nothing had happened. Condom in hand, I tried to banging her again, but after four hours she wasn't in the mood. She got up, put her clothes on, and left. Needless to say, I never saw or heard from that girl again.

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Amazing how the magic fades away once you've thrown up and passed out on the bathroom floor.

Anonymous:

In November of 2005 John had just started seeing a new girl, Kim, and they had been hooking up for about two weeks. In this time, John and Kim had both admitted that they had never had anal sex, and discussed that maybe one day they would try it for the first time together (presumably him giving it to her).

Not long after, John wanted to have a night out with the boys, and made plans with Kim to meet her late night. Out with his friends, John proceeds to get blacked out (he has a long history of being an idiot this way), and at about 1:30 he left the bar without anyone knowing.

Way too drunk and very horny, John goes home and tries to call Kim to meet up. As soon as someone answers he gets way too excited and lets out a diatribe of dirty talk including... "where are you, I want to fuck you in the ass. Get the fuck over here so I can fuck your ass." After about 45 seconds of dirty talk that would make Pat O'Brien cringe the phone goes silent and he hears- "John, what are you saying? Is something wrong with you? This is your Mother." To which John angrily replied, "Fuck you Bitch," and hung up the phone before passing out.

Morning time comes around, and John's roommate gets a call from his own mother (who is very good friends with John's mother) asking him what happened last night and telling him that John's mother was very distraught. After hearing the very ugly details from his mom, John's roommate went to wake him up- and John didn't remember a thing. Sure enough, after a close examination of John's cell phone, there was a call made at 2:10, not to 'Kim', but to 'Mom Cell.'

Needless to say, Thanksgiving dinner that year was a little more awkward than most.

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"Pass the turkey, Mom. No, I don't want to fuck you in the ass."

Jim:

I was a sophomore in college and I lived in a 8 person suite with my wrestling teammates. My teammates were a bunch of degenerates who like to film just about all of their activities on a camcorder that one of them bought. Among the things that we have on tape: "borrowing" a campus golf cart and driving it down a busy city street until the cops showed up, somebody attempting to chug a 5 lb container of potato salad followed by a food fight, and a fire extinguisher standoff after a 3x3 foot panel was knocked out of my wall. We all knew that anything done in our suite was liable to be recorded.

On one weekend I was at our regular college pub a few blocks away fro campus. I was talking to a girl that I had met the week before and things were going well. She went to a school that was a 30 minute subway ride away. I knew if we were going to hookup that night, I would have to convince her to come back to my hellhole of a dorm. My teammates were all at the bar, so I thought that if I could get her back early, I wouldn't have to deal with my teammates interfering with my hookup. We left the bar early and got back before anybody wa home. I thought I was in the clear.

We're in my bed making out for a while, but nothing much was happening. This girl wasn't really doing much of anything except making out with me. During my makeout/blue ball session, my teammates came home and all went to a room on the other end of the suite. Unbeknownst to me, they sneaked out to the fire escape that was adjacent to my room with the camcorder and we're recording my hookup from there. This went on for like 15 minutes until the girl I was with caught a peek at them. She didn't say a word and she closed the blinds. I didn't know and I didn't find out until the next day.

My teammates weren't happy with that and they decided they would do something else. They went in the kitchen, grabbed a bag of flour and knocked on my door. They wouldn't stop, so I finally answered. As soon as I answered, I got antiqued hard. That shit got everywhere...all in my eyes, on my computer, my TV. Somehow, I remained calm and stopped myself from punching somebody in the face. I laughed it off and cleaned myself up. I got my teammates to go back to the other room and somehow talked the girl into staying in spite of the situation. I don't think she had much of a choice, because it was 4 in the morning and it would of taken forever to get home on the subway. I brushed most of the flour off of my bed (that shit took months to get rid of completely). Nothing much happened after that with the girl. That was the last time she came to my dorm.

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What the hell kind of teammates are those? NEVER JOIN A WRESTLING TEAM. Wrestlers are fucking freaks. For real, I'd fucking murder those guys.

B:

At my birthday party at a friend's house this past summer (late June), both the girl I was casually starting to date (a smart, quirky, petite half asian girl, definitely a virgin) and a girl who I had hooked up with several times over the previous 3 months (a sex fiend) decided to attend.

The 2nd girl spent the next 2 hours feeding the small girl shots, and being overly friendly with her. Next thing I know I'm standing outside watching the two of them make out. The friend clearly had come to the conclusion, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".

I was taken aback to say the least, but didn't want to break the delicate threads that bind such an occurrence. Thankfully, and predictably, the fiend says the three of us should go back to her place. Obviously I am in agreement, and by some fabulous combination of new found hormones and Jack Daniels, the asian virgin is ready to go. We hop into the fiend's vehicle, her driving, me in the passenger seat, and the 3rd on my lap. All we have to do is travel 1 bloody mile and I am in threesome land.

Unfortunately we have to cross the interstate access road to get there; we had the green light, we are crossing through the southbound access lane, and WHAM! Some asshole runs his red light and nails the right front fender.

Somehow we are completely fine. Had he hit the door, myself and the virgin on my lap would've been hurt for sure, but being fortunate was far from my mind. I hopped out of the car and ran towards the other vehicle. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?????" is all I could think.

Long story short, cops show up, take the fiend to jail because she failed a sobriety test, her car was totaled, and in the hour we sat on the curb, whatever adventurous compounds that had been pumping through the virgin's blood had been washed out. We walked back to the party house, made some bagel bites, and fell asleep on the couch.

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