Brilliant Shithead Cristiano Ronaldo Had A Brilliant, Shitheaded Game Yesterday

As everyone knows, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the greatest soccer players of all time. He’s also an obnoxious, petulant brat prone to sneaky acts of outright violence when he feels aggrieved. All sides of CR7 were on display during yesterday’s Real Madrid-Borussia Dortmund match.

Out of fairness, and because it proved to be his biggest direct contribution to the game, let’s start with Good Ronaldo. While Real Madrid’s defense had its hands full with BVB’s unrelenting attack all day, the Blancos’ attackers were able to feast upon Dortmund’s practically non-existent defense on the counter. One such move saw Real steamroll their way into Dortmund’s penalty area, where Ronaldo’s always-intelligent movement and sharp finishing put his team in the lead:

Great soccering, to be sure.

What isn’t exactly great or even legal soccering, however, is interfering with the trajectory of an incoming shot with a blatantly intentional handball:

Ronaldo was outside the penalty area when the ball struck his arm, so it wasn’t going to be a penalty, but he definitely should’ve received a yellow card. Instead, he got lucky and the ref didn’t flag the play.

That famous Ronaldo luck was on display again later in the match, when he, well, just watch what he does to Marcel Schmelzer here:

Not exactly a leg-breaker, mind you, be definitely an intentional kick—and the kind of hit-out that Ronaldo has a strange penchant for engaging in (and getting away with). In a just world, that would’ve been at the very least Ronaldo’s second yellow card.

Now, Ronaldo’s cantankerousness isn’t always expressed in such violent ways. Sometimes his annoyance can be downright funny. Like in the aftermath of an offside call that nullified a goal of his, when he went over to the cameraman at halftime asking for a replay to see whether the ref’s had boned him or not:

That Ronaldo. Such a character.