Classic Man: If Her Pupils Are Dilated, She's Totally Into You 

Frequently in this space, we will consult a different entry in the 1987 book The Modern Man’s Guide to Life to see how the advice therein has aged. Previously, we discussed homemade deodorant; today, let’s figure out how to tell if a woman is hitting on you.

It may be called the Modern Man’s Guide, but our fair text’s advice on how to score chicks sounds like some antiquated pickup-artist shit:

Body lingo: You can tell a girl is coming onto you by watching her body language. If she turns directly toward you and fluffs up her hair or arches her back, she’s interested.

Another cool thing to watch out for:

Dilated pupils and prolonged eye contact

Sure! Wait, are we talking about women here, or cats? Though I guess this is sort of how I imagine real-life pickup artists approach real-life women. It doesn’t get better:

Rapt session: If she seems to hang on your every word. She’ll either initiate conversation or eagerly follow up on any lame subject you broach. If you falter, she’ll help you out, encouraging you to discuss yourself and laughing like a ninny at your dumb jokes.

Here’s how to pick up a lady you’re not even taking to:

Angles of attack: Her right-angle gaze is observable through the corner of the eye only. It appears during conversation with somebody else and imparts her desire to be where you are instead of where she is.

You know what’s also great?

When she stands at a right-angle to you, thrusting out her breasts while ostensibly showing you another sight, like her cheap Wyeth print or the view from her balcony.

The first part of that is not bad: If you talk to a woman who likes you, she’s going to talk back. The second half, what with all the breast-thrusting and art-shaming, is extremely bad. The good news is that the type of guy who feels he needs to read up on how to process social cues from human women no longer reads books like this; the not-so-good news is he now gets his info from Reddit instead. Let me also add this: You probably don’t need to read extensively on this topic unless you’re in the seventh grade. And if you are in the seventh grade, you shouldn’t be reading this website at all.