Gabe Kapler Is A Good Baseball Mind, But A Better Blogger

The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that former MLB player Gabe Kapler will be their new manager, leaving his spot as director of player development for the Dodgers to do so. It’s unclear what this will mean for his other gig, writing about health and fitness (and occasionally other topics) as the author of the blog Kap Lifestyle. He’s produced quite a few gems there over the years, some of which we’ve covered before. Here are some highlights:

Go tan your balls:

“If you want to be your strongest, get some sun on your boys. And by boys, I mean your testicles.” It boosts testosterone. (And presumably should be done only in private, though it’s not explicitly noted here.)

Use coconut oil to jerk off:

It’s chapstick, body lotion, teeth-whitener, and lube all in one! What’s not to love? Just picture it:

You’re moisturized and smelling tropical, your teeth are white and your face looks like you’ve just visited a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. The sun has set, and the moon is out. Perhaps you have a friend nearby, perhaps it’s just you by your lonesome…well, this is awkward. I’ve promised you authenticity, honesty and openness. Take this how you wish and I’ll spare you the step by step. Coconut oil is the world’s greatest lubricant. I can’t help where your mind goes with this. Once the ball leaves the bat, I can’t steer it.

Eat bones:

Because who doesn’t love crunching away on some good ol’ animal bones?

I baked a whole chicken for dinner. Being the animal that I am, I inherently felt the urge to consume the whole bird. If it was a wild turkey that I hunted with a spear rather than an organic chicken purchased from a market, and I was dependent on the nourishment for sustenance, you better believe that I wouldn’t let any valuable morsel of that beautiful game go to waste... I can honestly say I enjoyed eating the softer, edible bones of the chicken that I just now devoured more than the meat. I inhaled some of the harder portions as well; if I could grind it up in my teeth, it was going down.

On killing a squirrel with your car:

May you, too, have this zen approach the next time you accidentally murder a small mammal:

The other day, I ran over a squirrel.

You know by now that we range far and wide on this blog, exploring many themes. Today, we’re pondering guilt. When I ran over the squirrel, I didn’t feel any. Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t take any pleasure in it. I simply didn’t really feel anything, and it only stood out in my mind as an inspiration for this post.

This poem (?) titled “Extinction” 

No explanation needed:

Two posts connected by a straight line.Electric sizzle.Back with you again, my familiar friend.I missed you.A world away, square blocks, where we originally met.You ruled the land. Reigning over tagged alleys and the Reseda wash.Here in paradise, you’re out of place. An abrasive old man in a quiet lounge, flaws on full display.You’ll be gone soon. A cityscape’s T-Rex.

[ KapLifestyle.com]