It's looking pretty likely that Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer and one-pitch pitcher in MLB history, will play his last game this Sunday. He holds the saves record at 652, but this only scratches the surface of his statistical dominance. His 2.21 ERA translates to a park- and era-adjusted ERA+ of 205, which is the highest of all time (it's not even close), and his 1.0013 career WHIP is the third-lowest of all time, and the lowest of the last 97 years. As good as he was in the regular season he was about twice as good in the postseason, posting an ERA of 0.70 and a WHIP of 0.759 in 141 innings. Etc., etc.
Like anyone who retires from a job after nearly two decades, Rivera has spent the season accepting shitty presents from his coworkers, some of whom he hardly even knew. Here's all the tacky shit that Rivera has received on his farewell tour, ranked in order of Rivera's regular-season ERA against that team.
San Diego Padres: Beach Cruisers (5)
- Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.400 WHIP, 4 saves, 5.0 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.154 WHIP, 3 saves, 4.1 IP
San Francisco Giants: Signed Guitar + Ugly Art
- Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.632 WHIP, 2 saves, 6.1 IP
- Postseason: None
The guitar is signed by Willie Mays, which is kind of badass.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Fishing Rod
- Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.333 WHIP, 3 saves, 6.0 IP
- Postseason: None
Colorado Rockies: Donation To Rivera's Charity
- Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.600 WHIP, 5 saves, 5.0 IP
- Postseason: None
The Rockies probably give a lot of gift cards for birthday presents. Also, most of the teams that gave actual gifts also included a donation.
The All-Star Game: Ugly MVP Award
- Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.556 WHIP, 4 saves, 9.0 IP
Minnesota Twins: Broken Bat Chair
- Regular Season: 1.24 ERA, 0.798 WHIP, 36 saves, 72.2 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.540 WHIP, 5 saves, 16.2 IP
Chicago White Sox: Scorecards + Donation
- Regular Season: 1.26 ERA, 0.779 WHIP, 43 saves, 86.0 IP
- Postseason: None
Detroit Tigers: Commemorative Plaque, Dirt From Mound
- Regular Season: 1.34 ERA, 0.692 WHIP, 30 saves, 60.2 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 0 saves, 2.1 IP
The dirt is in those little bottles.
Kansas City Royals: Donation
- Regular Season: 1.68 ERA, 0.976 WHIP, 37 saves, 69.2 IP
- Postseason: Lol no
Tampa Bay Rays: Creepy Sand Sculpture
- Regular Season: 1.71 ERA, 0.933 WHIP, 64 saves, 105.0 IP
- Postseason: None
Toronto Blue Jays: Inuit Sculpture
- Regular Season: 1.81 ERA, 0.958 WHIP, 54 saves, 104.1 IP
- Postseason: None
Texas Rangers: Cowboy Stuff
- Regular Season: 2.23 ERA, 1.218 WHIP, 40 saves, 88.2 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 5 saves, 14.0 IP
Oakland A's: Surfboard + Wine
- Regular Season: 2.27 ERA, 1.099 WHIP, 35 saves, 87.1 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.600 WHIP, 5 saves, 10.0 IP
Seattle Mariners: Donation
- Regular Season: 2.63 ERA, 1.081 WHIP, 37 saves, 78.2 IP
- Postseason: 1.23 ERA, 0.750 WHIP, 3 saves, 14.2 IP
Cleveland Indians: Gold Metallica Record
- Regular Season: 2.73 ERA, 1.079 WHIP, 31 saves, 59.1 IP
- Postseason: 0.73 ERA, 0.486 WHIP, 2 saves, 12.1 IP
Boston Red Sox: Painting + Various Pieces Of Fenway Park Crap
- Regular Season: 2.86 ERA, 1.246 WHIP, 58 saves, 126.0 IP
- Postseason: 0.92 ERA, 0.915 WHIP, 6 saves, 19.2 IP
Baltimore Orioles: Broken Bat Sculpture
- Regular Season: 3.04 ERA, 1.028 WHIP, 79 saves, 142.0 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.750 WHIP, 0 saves, 4.0 IP
New York Mets: Fire Nozzle & Call Box
- Regular Season: 3.53 ERA, 1.121 WHIP, 20 saves, 35.2 IP
- Postseason: 3.00 ERA, 0.833 WHIP, 2 saves, 6.0 IP
Anaheim Angels: Horrible Portrait
- Regular Season: 3.75ERA, 1.283 WHIP, 28 saves, 62.1 IP
- Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.000 WHIP, 1 save, 1.0 IP
Photo Credits: Getty: Padres, Giants, All-Star Game, Twins, Blue Jays, A's, Red Sox, Orioles, Angels, AP: Tigers, Rays, Rangers, Indians, Mets, Icon SMI: Dodgers