Last Night's Winner: Birds

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like our fine feathered friends (real and symbolic) that will get paid lots of money to play baseball and also not be murdered by them.

Randy Johnson retired yesterday with his place secured in the history books as the ugliest left-handed pitcher of all time. Seriously, that mullet went on for days. But he also had a pretty good fastball. Deadly even. Despite all those strikeouts and Cy Young Awards, the Big Unit may be best remembered for his incredible nickname and for killing a dove with a pitch back in 2001. That's a legacy to be proud of.

And he didn't even get that good until he was almost 30, so fear not, late bloomers.

Then in the guys who only pretend to be birds department, there's Matt Holliday, who will earn ludicrous amounts of cash to wear a pictures of Cardinals on his clothing. So will you stop crying now, Albert Pujols? Always with the "me, me, me" and the temper tantrums and threatening your GM with a bat because he won't sign better players. That guy needs to seriously calm....down.

Honorable mention: The Big Ten. 4-3 in bowl games! That's completely respectable! Just imagine if they've forced the crappy teams to stay at home.