Mississippi Mayoral Hopeful Unveils Weaponized-Cannabis Platform

Meet Gwendolyn Ward Osborne Chapman. She's running for mayor of Jackson, Miss. Reader Larry alerted us to Chapman's appearance on WAPT the other night, and needless to say, after watching this political statement, we're fully behind her campaign.

Let's go through it line-by-line, as transcribed by closed captioning.

Good day.

My name is Gwendolyn Ward Osborne Chapman, Mayor candidate. My motto is move the change forward, to a one love.

OK, maybe she could have workshopped the motto a bit.

My platform is to build and maintain a strong economic foundation for the purpose of familyhood and unity to be created in our collective work and responsibility toward knowledge, wisdom and love.

Sounds great!

The reason i know i'm the best candidate for this mayortorial race is, well i'll let you all decide that at the polls, is because i have a perfect financial, economic plan.

(Yes, the captioner actually typed out 'mayortorial.')

The United States spends over a trillion dollars a year on products made of industrial hemp.

Close! Only off by $999,950,000,000.

Mississippi is an agricultural state. We have the constitutional right to take that same product that the United States spends over in China, United Kingdom and other countries. We can use that money. So when you go to the polls and vote, vote Gwen Ward Osborne Chapman because the cannabis is made of cotton, corn.

Wait, what now?

It's made of petroleum.

We're all gonna die.

It's made of all that you can name of and then the important thing about it is if there was to be a nuclear warfare this plant would dissolve radiation... and repel it.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

[WAPT]