Name Of The Year First Round: Dragonwagon Regional

Dragonwagon Regional namesake Crescent Dragonwagon is up front about her name: She changed it from Ellen Zolotow when she was a 16-year-old counterculture bride. But the corners of the internet that supply our bracket fodder don’t always offer such clarity. This year’s Dragonwagon contenders contain some real mysteries:

Were the parents of Cory Phast Lane car enthusiasts, Phish fans, or both? Would they have made a different choice had they known their son would one day be arrested for reckless driving?

If Tupac Isme is him, then who am I? And if Tupac is alive, then is his first round opponent, Charleszetta Waddles ( 1912-2001), alive too?

Is Notre Dame running back C’Bo Flemister’s given name, C’Borius, even better than his shortened one?

We can, however, attempt to explain the meaning of the first name of the region’s top seed, Jizyah Shorts. The Texas community mental-health worker is an accomplished pageant contestant who in recent years was crowned Miss Sam Houston, Miss Sugar Land, and Miss Houston but alas fell, um, short in the competition for Miss Texas. According to Merriam-Webster’s Unabridged dictionary, a jizya or jizyah, is “a capitation tax formerly levied on non-Muslims by an Islamic state.” And with Tax Day fast approaching, that raises more questions about competitors in the Dragonwagon:

Does it take a to make sense of Trump’s amendments to the tax code?

Is it better to itemize your earnings or just declare General Booty?

When speaking to Australian homicide detective Pixie Fuhrmeister—who recently worked a case in which human remains were discovered inside a “wheelie bin” at a Melbourne storage facility—should you withhold nothing?

Does the NOTY High Committee need to file a Form 8300 if sports-law podcaster Cash Kinghorn gets more than 10,000 votes?

Will Syndronica Redd be in the black this year?

Pursuant to 26 U.S.C. 7212, it is a felony to interfere with the collection of NOTY ballots, so don’t let anyone stop you from voting. Do that below, follow us on Twitter, and submit candidates for NOTY 2020 at [email protected].

Dan Wachtell is a lawyer, soccer enthusiast, and occasional writer living in Brooklyn.