This week in the NFL: Pledge allegiance or go cry in the corner

Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught, and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe.

This week was yet another reminder that the NFL can do no wrong. It’s exempt from scandal, mismanagement, negligence, and any sort of behavior that would sink 99 percent of companies. There was a point in time, before all this “woke” stuff, when it only took money and power to be bulletproof. There are but a few holdouts who can still do whatever they want — which is really what’s at risk in the 2024 presidential election.

Yet even if Joe Biden gets reelected, and we’re subjected to another four years of “empathetic” gender politics, it won’t be enough to scuff the Shield. If we all could be so lucky to operate with the malevolence of Roger Goodell.

Owner throws his drink on opposing fans? No problem. Stay silent for a few days and then announce a paltry fine an hour after the news cycle calms down. It’s almost as if the NFL waited for Aaron Rodgers’ weekly diatribe to go viral, then released David Tepper’s punishment.

No sport’s supporters hate their commissioner like NFL fans hate Goodell, and that’s intentional. How do you know Rog isn’t enjoying the continued public shaming? It could be his kink, and I thought we had agreed to put the pitchforks down when it comes to kink shaming?

The NFL treats its referees like mushrooms, they seemingly spend half the game readjusting to daylight, and that’s how it should be. In the 10 commandments of commissioning, it’s written that “Henceforth, all referees shall be caricatures of officials.”

Controversy sells, and the league’s memo to teams about “clearly” reporting as eligible was a ploy to spark another round of yelling on ESPN. The NFL is bumbling by design because if the public was ever able to see one of these missteps through to its conclusion, and really focus on how much they’re being screwed, they might wake up one day and want out of this abusive relationship.

There are many keys to the NFL’s imperviousness. Money and power are obvious pillars, but popularity and nostalgia might be as important. Think about the companies like Apple and Nike. Sneakers and iPhones have been woven into the fabric of America like football.

There’s nothing like the warm embrace of bloodsport on a cold winter night, and the more often the NFL is there to distract people from how eager corporations are to step on them, the better. Hell, while they’ve got you, here’s a parade of ads to motivate everyone to continue turning the hamster wheel.

You need football, you need consumer goods, and you needn’t ever question who’s in charge, what they want, or why things cost what they cost. Stop asking what matters in life. Nothing matters; either you’re the cog, or the one cranking the handle.

The NFL is the ultimate machine. It never breaks down, only grows, is always profitable, and its supporters will overlook any and all reasons not to love it. You know what that sounds like to me? America.

Ipso facto, if you don’t love the NFL, you don’t love America. So pledge allegiance, or shut the f*ck up.