Soccer Page 227 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
José Mourinho Is Still Talking That Good Shit
Look, I don’t know how much time he has left as the manager of Manchester United, and so I am begging you to enjoy José Mourinho in full Meltdown Mode while you still can. It really is one of the greatest shows in sports....
Here Is The Champions League Group Stage Draw
The group stage draw for this year’s Champions League tournament was just completed this morning, and now it is time to find out which teams have been unfairly boned and which teams were clearly the beneficiaries of a rigged lottery....
It's Time For A Better Conversation About Goalkeeping
Goalkeepers have no business existing in soccer. Maintaining an entire class of players whose job is to snuff the joy out of a game is absurd, and strapping on gloves to play a sport that prohibits the use of the hands is blasphemy. In defiance of not just strikers, but more or less everyone, the ke...
Why Don't More Soccer Teams Scoop Up Easy Goals From Cool Free-Kick Routines Like This?
PAOK scored the first goal of their Champions League qualifying match against a superior Benfica team off of a neat little coordinated free-kick routine. Watch the goal above, because it’s cool, and then ponder the following: What is it about free goals that have the big tough soccer boys afraid of ...
Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone
After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, chara...
Javier Pastore Escaped His Gilded Cage And Is Back Doing Crazy Shit On The Field
If you were to name a poster boy for the phenomenon of promising young talents who join the game’s richest clubs only to find themselves spending more time watching soccer than playing it, Javier Pastore would be a perfectly credible choice. Now, after finally deciding to step out from the bejeweled...
Whenever José Mourinho Faces Pressure, He Brings Up A World Crisis
On Monday, Manchester United manager José Mourinho stormed out of a press conference after his squad fell to Tottenham, 3-0. “3-0,” he said. “But also mean, three Premierships, and I’ve won more Premierships alone than the other 19 managers together.” He kept saying “respect” as he walked off stage....
Huddersfield Player Commits One Damn Impressive Boner
This own goal from Huddersfield’s Juninho Bacuna came in stoppage time, with his team already down 1-0 to Stoke City in today’s League Cup match. Since Bacuna’s gaffe wasn’t the difference maker in the result, it’s okay to marvel at his impressively sliced shot, which would have been an all-timer ha...
Lucas Moura Cooking Chris Smalling Is A Metaphor For Tottenham's Spanking Of Man United
It takes a firm lashing of José Mourinho’s asscheeks to get him to walk into a press conference and opine about international humanitarian crises before storming out of the room while doing an unironic Birdman impression, and that’s exactly what Tottenham administered to Mourinho’s Manchester United...
Jose Mourinho Storms Out Of Press Conference, Appears To Be Losing It
Tottenham crushed Manchester United with a comprehensive 3-0 victory at Old Trafford this afternoon, handing the Red Devils their second loss out of the first three Premier League games. United manager Jose Mourinho—who’s coming off a tumultuous offseason and has a tendency to see his clubs implode ...
It's Time For The Soccer World To Unite And Come To An Agreement About VAR
“VAR is a dogshit system that poorly solves the marginal problems it was invented to address by privileging a make-believe standard of perfection at the expense of vastly more important values,” certain wise commenters have remarked about the addition of video replay to soccer. “VAR runs the risk of...
Chelsea Manager Maurizio Sarri Has A Weird Solution For His In-Game Cigarette Urges
Chelsea manager Maurizio Sarri really, really likes to smoke. So much so that he used to light up on the sideline and in the tunnel when he managed Napoli:...
Young Marseille Fan Turns Ceremonial Kick-Off Into A Goal, Perturbs Very Proper Announcer
It’s not unprecedented for Marseille fans to seize the opportunity of the ceremonial kick-off to live out their dreams of scoring a goal, but this lad truly squeezed every last drop out of it with a goal, shirtless celebration, and slide....
Barcelona Played A Game On One Of The Worst Pitches You'll Ever See
Barcelona played Real Valladolid on Saturday in a match remarkable not for any brilliant passages of play or spectacular goals, but instead for the atrocious state of Valladolid’s pitch, which looked more like a sand pit with a thin layer of grass sprinkled on top than a field of play befitting some...
DeAndre Yedlin Assists On Newcastle Equalizer (Yay), Scores Chelsea Game-Winner (Oof)
DeAndre Yedlin—just too old to be considered one of the American wonderkids, but still a promising youth—played a crucial role in Chelsea’s 2–1 victory over Newcastle Sunday, scoring the decisive goal in the 88th minute to punctuate a dominant Chelsea performance. Tragically, Yedlin plays for Newcas...
La Liga Players Hate Idea Of Playing Games In The U.S. So Much They Might Go On Strike
About a week after Spain’s La Liga and U.S. sports marketing firm Relevant Sports announced a deal that would see one regular season La Liga match played in the U.S. every year for the next 15 years, the Spanish league’s players have weighed in. It turns out they think the idea is trash....
One Month After Promised Solutions, Women's Pro Soccer Team Still Doesn't Have Running Water
Over the last month, a series of reports have detailed the squalid living and practicing conditions that players for the NWSL’s Sky Blue FC—including USWNT legend Carli Lloyd—have had to endure. As The Equalizer and Once A Metro reported in July, and Deadspin reported earlier this month, the team’s ...
Dimitar Berbatov's Arrogant, Curse-Filled Breakdowns Of His Old Goals Are Wonderful
Many players have scored more goals than Dimitar Berbatov, but few have scored as many flatly stunning ones, or done so with the flair and insouciance that made nearly every one of his goals legitimately preposterous. It was preposterous that any human body could, as a simple matter of physics, exec...
Arsène Wenger On Unemployed Life: "I Can Sit For Hours Contemplating The Horizon"
We’ve grown used to Arsène Wenger’s deeply philosophical musings as revealed in interviews over the years, and we’re glad to say that this fount of wisdom shows no signs of stinting even though he’s no longer managing Arsenal. And for a man who was so famously, singularly obsessed with soccer, who e...
Adama Traoré, The King Of Dribbles, Is Just Getting Started
The new European soccer season has only just begun and we’ve already seen Adama Traoré strengthen his claim on the “best dribbler in the world” crown....