It's the second to last game of the first week of the season, of which there will be only two more this decade. It all takes place in venerable Lucas Oil Stadium. How effective will the Bears passing game be? Will we find out what a bursa sac is? How would John Madden solve the dispute between Russia and Georgia? Looks like you picked the wrong week to stop jumping. * * *Fourth Quarter 11:28 — For some reason, Manning kept throwing down to the final zeroes. I don't know if I've ever seen such a display of futile fourth-quarter passing from the Colts. I suppose we all need to see something like that once in our lives. Tonight was that time. And so wraps up this ol' live blog. I'm pretty sure I'm doing tomorrow's Monday Night game. The 10 p.m. one, not the 7 p.m. one. (Can't make it to the first one, I'm 'fraid.) See you all then. Thank you for your sporadic support of Deadspin Live Blog, LLC. 11:26 — This is definitely a strange sight, the score. Maybe the Colts think it's still a preseason game. They even let Jared Lorenzen wear Manning's jersey. Kind of like a Make-A-Wish thing. 11:23 — We're inside the two minute warning. MORE RETRACTABLE ROOF SHOTS. 11:20 — John Madden stresses the importance of being physical. This puts a serious damper on the playbook I'm trying to sell to NFL teams, where being existential is of the utmost importance. 11:16 — I know he's been in the league for a while now, but Christ, Brian Urlacher's face is huge. If they ever remake Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Urlacher is retired from the NFL, he'd be a lock to play the role of Olmec. 11:15 — Welp, that one's pretty much over. The ball goes to Chicago, with 4:19 left. Please, for the rest of us, put in Rex Grossman. Or, better still, skip over him and put in the third string guy, whoever it is. 11:13 — Down by 16 and about five minutes left, Manning gets his legs slammed to the ground I'm pretty sure I know who wins this one. 11:10 — Half-listening, I heard John Madden say something something "bigger chunks." 11:07 — Again with Peyton Manning's fast-lipped audibles. Strange how the only product he hasn't endorsed yet is Micro Machines. 11:04 — Frank Caliendo doesn't have many more commercials to roll out his President Bush impression. I would like to see his Barack Obama impression. And, y'know, the subsequent condemnation by the NAACP. 11:02 — Chicago is just gonna take a huge lead, if that's all right with everyone. Jason McKie runs in for the score. 29
1311:01 — Amazing. Al Michaels goes on and on about Orton's infamous Internet pictures, his wild streak, and how he's a new man. Madden builds off that by saying Orton's running game is really helping him. No way is John gonna get suckered into this salacious "Intery-Net" discussion. 10:54 — We've secretly switch the Colts' running back with Dominic Rhodes. Let's see if they notice. Nope, they still handed it off to him, and they didn't get the fourth down. YOU SON ... OF ... A ... BITCH! 10:52 — Joseph Addai comes off the field. He might be in need of new tendons. Volunteers, anyone? 10:50 — Great catch, Reggie Wayne! Oh, sure, it doesn't count, since you were out of bounds, but it was still a great catch! How about a candy bar? You're a swell player. [pats on head] 10:49 — The Coen brothers were signed on to direct Ocean's Sixteen, it seems. Third Quarter 10:47 — Timeout, Colts. Now I have to get something out of the way here. Anytime I see Peyton Manning and Tom Moore talk, I feel like they're discussing when the next FFA meeting is. 10:44 — Listening to Manning audible, if his bursa sac acts up, or gets worse, or whatever a bursa sac does, he has a tremendous future as an auctioneer. 10:41 — Wow, John Madden absolutely trailed off on that thought. "The Colts HAVE TO GET MAD!" (John began very forceful.) Then it was all "they have to say to themselves ... football ... mumblemumble" He sounds like me when I fell asleep during that South Carolina-NC State live blog. 10:40 — Yes, indeedy, that was a fumble. You know what? The referee should be able to celebrate and do a dance in front of the coach if the officials got a call right the first time. It's only fair. 22
1310:36 — Well, scheisst. Marvin Harrison gets the ball pawed¹ away and Lance Briggs returns the sucker for a touchdown. OR MAYBE NOT. (BUT PROBABLY YES.) They're reviewing it. ¹ - Yep, you absolutely saw what I did there. 10:35 — Okay, if the Sunday Night Football extra camera choices includes one with John Madden scribbling on it all the time, I would happily reverse my earlier sentiments and choose that camera. 10:33 — Orton with a case of the dropsies. Oh, sure, someone knocked it out of his hand, but that's not nearly as fun as saying he dropped it on his own accord. Punt that meat. 10:30 — Would you go for it on fourth down here, John? Well, no, first and foremost because it's actually a first down, but also but that doesn't mean we can't mark that square. 10:27 — Ah, dammit. I caught myself humming the Sunday Night Football theme. It's not nearly as macho as the MNF ditty. 10:25 — Greg Olsen plays for the Bears? I was wondering what happened to him. I hope catching passes from Kyle Orton isn't too much of a departure from catching them from Steve Avery. 10:23 — Remember when Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith coached together? We still have some photos of that we were going to show you during the Super Bowl a couple years ago, but we were afraid of oversaturation. 10:22 — Now that Peyton Manning finally threw a touchdown, they can break out one of his commercials from the bin. In this case, it was for Sony and Sears. I don't know if Manning has done the bi-endorsement yet, but he pulled it off well. 10:20 — Manning drops back, looks, pumps, and ... LUCAS OIL STADIUM! RETRACTABLE ROOF! 15
1310:17 — You gotta hand it to Madden. At his age, he's still adamant about explaining the rules to us in as intricate a manner as possible. Imagine if any of us could understand him. He'd be a genius. Suddenly the Colts are about to score. 10:14 — The gratuitous footage of a cheeseburger might be the closest thing we get to steak in this game. But I'm still holding out hope. 10:10 — Christ, is there no room in this world for a man and the sandwich he is trying to make? Devin Hester turned a touchback into a line of scrimmage on the 5-yard line. Halftime Entertainment I entrust most everyone has seen this by now, but if you haven't, now's your chance to sneak-watch it. For the Internet veterans, it never hurts to watch it again: Click to view Second Quarter 9:54 — And .. field goal. Hey, despite the impressive offensive performance by Forte and the stifling defense, it still gives the first impression of horrible red zone offense and being relegated to five field goals. So I like it. 15
69:52 — The Colts are pumping in "Welcome To The Jungle" artificially through the speaker system. Axl Rose really isn't there in person. 9:51 — Just like before the two-minute warning, the Bears are completing forward passes. I thought that government mandated timeout would stop the momentum. I was wrong. 9:47 — Two minute warning. Two minutes until more footage of Lucas Oil Stadium's retractable roof. 9:46 — Kyle Orton completes an impressive forward pass. Something must be wrong with my TV. The Colts defender's jersey looks completely devoid of color, almost like a Bears uniform. 9:46 — The NBC candy corn graphic says it's 1st and 20 for the Bears. 9:42 — They're reviewing it. John Madden is fervent in his explanation. Using NBCEE IT technology, it appears that ... the video is much grainier than if not using zoom technology. And the replay confirms the ruling. Two points. 12
69:40 — Joseph Addai gets taken down in the end zone. While John Madden explains how much of the ball has to cross through and extend past the goal line, maybe it's easier just to call it a safety. 9:39 — Bursa sacked. Marcus Harrison takes him back to the 1½ hard line. 9:38 — Al and John make the assertion that Lucas Oil Stadium is far better than the RCA Dome. You mean the new one's better than the old one? 9:36 — Robbie Gould artificially pumps in a field goal, instead of letting he football naturally have itself kicked through the goalposts. 10
69:35 — Well well, look at Whiskey River scramble down the field. He doesn't get the first down, because he's Kyle Orton, but it's great to watch. 9:35 — Orton throws an interception, but Kelvin Hayden drops it. Don't worry, Kelvin. A Bears receiver would have done the same thing. 9:33 — THEY WERE PUMPING IN ARTIFICIAL CROWD NOISE. SQUARE ME. 9:32 — Dallas Clark is back on the sideline. Looks like his injury is healed after having it slathered with Lucas brand oil. Yes, Lucas Oil. The Cure-All Fossil Fuel.™ 9:31 — And Colts' cornerback Kelvin Hayden's limbs are now damaged. Scrape him off the field, find someone else. 9:29 — All right, Kevin Jones. Time for you to run for a 50-yard touchdown, or else you are officially the third down back. 9:28 — So everyone gets GM's employee discount, according to that commercial. That makes sense. Considering they laid off everybody but eight people, nobody's using them. 9:26 — Madden during Forte's run: "One thing the Bears have been doing great is they've been blocking Bob Sanders." Forte then gets popped by Sanders dead in his tracks. 9:24 — So that's where the bursa sac is. Below the knee. I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with that being a sufficient enough explanation to make it square-worthy. 9:22 — Vinatieri wraps the field goal around the right post. On the right side. Er, the correct side. Let's move on. 7
69:22 — So that's why the Giants played on Thursday. So Archie Manning could watch both games in person. 9:20 — Reggie Wayne extends, dives ... doesn't catch the ball. But he didn't break his leg, so it's considered a positive offensive play. 9:17 — NFL Injuries activate! Form of: Dallas Clark! Shape of: Return unknown! 9:15 — Jimmy Kimmel, I don't really care about games I missed in the NFL last year. By the way, do you know if Sarah's doing anyt.... right, I understand. 9:13 — Finally, a run where Matt Forte looks like a rookie that makes Bears fans pine for the days of Cedric Benson. Puntin' time. 9:11 — I'm not a fan of how football players are appearing in commercials about fantasy football. It's like they're embracing the fact that normal humans get to control whether or not they are on a roster. Stay out of our fantasies, and we'll stop trying to bug you for autographs at Cheesecake Factory. Deal? First Quarter 9:09 — If you really want Hester to have the ball in the open field and you don't trust his route running ability ... just go in punt formation on first down. 9:07 — John Madden is finding new and fun ways to love Matt Forte. "He has great feet." Not everyone has that kind of fetish, and even fewer will admit it in public. 9:05 — On a third down, pressure forces the ball out of the receiver's hands, which again is not a fumble. Nothing is a fumble if the Colts do it. Why can't they just admit that? 9:02 — Fumble/not a fumble/recovery/not a recovery? When it gets too confusing, just say the referee call was right the first time. Such a lazy way out, but it's the American way out. Play continues. 8:58 — Wonderful. Off the bingo table: An off-kilter Matt Forte-Walter Payton comparison. Al notes Forte had a better start to his career than Sweetness, but he'll be lucky to have a better end. Madden: "Or middle!" I actually haven't seen either of their stomachs for quite some time, so I'm inclined to disagree until other proof comes my way. 8:56 — Kyle Orton's passing game proves useful after all by not passing it at all. The handoff is to Matt Forte, who goes 54 yards for the touchdown. 7
38:53 — If you look closely, you can still see Michael Phelps's swim cap in Andrea Kremer's garter belt. 8:52 — Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal, and leaves the field uninjured. 0
38:50 — A false start. A delay of game. The Colts are actually doing something brilliant. They're field testing every known deadball penalty to see if they're still part of this year's rules. If you see Dallas Clark punch Alex Brown in the scrotum, you'll know why. 8:45 — Online, I can pick my own camera angles for this game. Honestly? That was never something I put that much opinion into. Just show me where the ball went. 8:42 — Again with the circle. Again, I believe it was aimed at the center and not at Manning's coconut. 8:38 — And they're cheering Marvin Harrison because he's back from injury. Not because of that bar shooting thing. Not at all. Don't even mention that. 8:37 — Oh, that was almost a superfluous circling of Peyton Manning! They just got the three linemen in the picture instead. Although, yes, those were the only people really on camera. And I gotta say, NBC really splurged for the Madden Yellow Circle Smoother-Outer. I'm impressed. 8:35 — Budweiser: "So, uh, hey, we still got crates upon crates of this lime flavored beer. So, all that jazz we made up about it being a summertime flavor? Scratch that. Buy it always." 8:33 — Fun fact: The Sunday Night Is Football Night song was performed in Matt Forte. The new Bears running back makes his debut carry. It's very meh, which means it's like Cedric Benson never left. 8:32 — From now on I'm only buying Lucas brand oil. I'll figure out how to refine it myself. Can't be that hard. 8:29 — Hester receives a punt that was too long — yes, such things exist. But no touchdown. Only a measly "good field position" increase. 8:28 — The bursa sac seems fine. Manning so far leads the league in footsteps/second (327.8) but they're in a 4th down situation. 8:25 — As they talk about Manning's injury and the loss of Jeff Saturday, the Bears' Lance Briggs limps away from the field. Rollerball rules still in effect. 8:22 — Wonderful. Not only did we get a racing/Brickyard square marked down, but in 35 of John's syllables that were uttered, five of them formed actual words. And we're not even kicked off yet. 8:18 — John: Peyton Manning is going to be "a little rusty." I thought that position was taken:
8:16 — Intro song, which I think is the same as last year. Who's that guy in the blue jersey next to Peyton Manning? He looks just like him. 8:14 — Strikes me as kind of odd that, given Gonzaga University doesn't even have football, or did it die, that the NFL would be honoring it with its own black circles. 8:12 — Heynowwaitaminnit. They said Orton changed. I distinctly see a beard growing down to his neck.
Pre-Game Babble Oh, before I forget, I found out this past weekend that they're re-releasing Dragon Quest IV on the Nintendo DS. What a golden time it is to be a Dragon Warrior nerd. Anyways ... sports. What the country has on its hands is a Super Bowl XLsomethingorother rematch. Rex Grossman, instead of starting the game which inexplicably wins, is now on the bench because they were predictably losing. Noted Internet JPEG star Kyle Orton is now a changed man, which can only mean he's no longer fun. This might also mean the Bears have a chance. It's a creepy new world we live in. Fantasy Impact They say nobody cares about your fantasy team. Well, literally nobody cares about mine. I just signed up to some leagues just so I could pun the team name. I haven't seen who I have, checked injuries, and don't really plan on checking the rosters. It'll be interesting to see how well "Kilroy Waz-Zahir" fares against those who make 20 moves a week. Also, TOM BRADY'S KNEE! WHAT NOW? HUG YOUR CHILDREN WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE!! Did somebody say Bingo? I sure hope so, or else the next graphic will be rather awkwardly placed.
Note: The "artificial crowd noise" square is not for hearing the actual noise, but the discussion of it. Please adjust your bets accordingly. Also, yes, there are two more years in this decade. 2009 and 2010. No year 0, the real new millennium, and all that other mathematical nit-picking that results in nobody ever getting laid after such a debate.