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Dwight Howard's Lawyers Tell The World That's Not His Penis
The photos of a man who looks like Dwight Howard pulling down his shorts to reveal his member in a web cam pic found on Mediatakeout are not him, TMZ reveals. Big day for everybody....

What To Expect From "Hard Knocks: Cincinnati Bengals"
The Cincinnati Bengals are not quite the trainwreck they once were, but everyone is still hoping for some kind of entertainment value out of this year's edition of HBO's "Hard Knocks" docudrama. Don't get your hopes up....

Give Your Brain the Day Off
The brain is the most overworked muscle in the body, and today, it's time to give it a rest. Get together with friends and celebrate not thinking by kicking back and relaxing with a bucket of ice cold Coronas....

The Long Strange Sad Journey Of Lawrence Phillips
Former Nebraska/NFL running back Lawrence Phillips was convicted of seven felony charges yesterday and faces up to 25 years in prison, but he's already in jail, serving a 10-year sentence for another crime. How did it come to this?...

Pittsburgh Steelers Love Their Illegal Gun-Shooting Parties (UPDATED)
Hackles have been raised by photos of a shooting event where civilians, including members of the Pittsburgh Steelers, are seen goofing off with possibly illegal weapons—all courtesy of the Pennsylvania State Police. Hey, gun safety is for Seahawks....

Brady Quinn-Derek Anderson Feud Gets Catty
Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are both listed as No. 1 on the Browns depth chart, although I don't believe the NFL's plan to add a second football to gameplay will take effect this year. So let the sabotage begin!...

BYU Players Star In Worst Abercrombie Catalog Ever
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...

Leitch-Hating Matador Records Co-Owner Loses Home In Fire
Gerard Cosloy, indie-music maven and proprietor of sporty blog Can't Stop The Bleeding, posted the photo you see here, writing: "This was a hell of a way to get out of hoovering the living room." Condolences. [CSTB, via Steady Burn]...

Deadspin Hall Of Fame Inductee: Barbaro
Presenting the final 2009 inductee to The Deadspin Hall Of Fame ......

Deadspin Hall Of Fame Inductee: Charles Barkley
Presenting the first 2009 inductee to The Deadspin Hall Of Fame ......

Vancouver Wary Of MMA "Gangsters"
This is the best news lede of the month: "The potential for an Ultimate Fighting Championship event to draw undesirable gangsters to downtown Vancouver is real, say police." So should we just hand over our wallets and women now?...

Colorado Gives Football Player A Blog, Takes It Away When He Blogs About His Libido
Colorado's athletic department recently gave Ben Burney a blog, ostensibly to provide a glimpse into the life of a college football player. Which was a fine idea until Burney provided a glimpse into the life of a college football player....

There Is Nothing Funny About This Picture
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...

Dan Patrick Radio Listeners: If You Need Some Tasty Ear Candy To Jumpstart Your Tuesday...
It turns out SI's Dan Patrick is filming a scene for an upcoming Adam Sandler movie tomorrow so he needs fill-ins. Who'd he pick? Unfortunately for non-deaf America, not the ESL strippers from Rick's Cabaret....

All The Umpires Must Be Shot
Victorino's inexplicable ejection prompted Sporting Blogger, Dan Levy, to seethe: "Somewhere along the way in, umpires forgot the game isn't about them. They stand on the field to call balls and strikes, out and safe, and that's it" [SportingBlog]...

New Thoughts Are for the Birds
Forget about generating new thoughts—just reminisce with your buddies. It's easier. For example, after the bartender hands you your bucket of Coronas, inquire, "Remember the time when the bartender gave us those beers? That was so great!!"...

Greg Paulus Is The Biggest Legend In Virginia Tech History
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...

Not To Beat A Dead Horse, But...
You've got just a few more hours to vote for the Deadspin Hall Of Fame class of 2009. Could this finally be the year?...

It's Always Surly In Philadelphia
To the shock of precisely no one, the real action in last night's UFC 101 was in the crowd, as every Philadelphian tried to fight every other Philadelphian. Winner: you!...

At Least This Man Is Used To Hard Luck
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...