Copa America Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The USMNT Is Getting Hot At Exactly The Right Time
After the USMNT lost 2-0 to Colombia last Friday, Jürgen Klinsmann was as optimistic as any coach will ever be after a scoreless tournament-opening loss. He told reporters he was “absolutely okay” with how his team played, and even said, “There was no difference besides the two goals.” While the exp...
Copa América Fucks Up National Anthem Again
One day after playing the Chilean national anthem instead of Uruguay’s, the Copa América screwed things up again by interrupting Chile’s anthem before the team’s match against Argentina in Santa Clara....
Copa America Plays Wrong Anthem For Uruguay While Confused Players Look On
The Copa América Centenario has been a disaster thus far, with sparse crowds and uninteresting play marking the opening days of the scandal-soaked tournament. Things got even uglier tonight, as Glendale’s stadium played the wrong anthem for Uruguay before their match against Mexico....
Colombia Take 2-0 Lead; At Least We Get The Heavy Metal Goal Call
A handball in the box set James Rodríguez up for a penalty that put Colombia up 2-0 on the U.S., and our only consolation is that we get to listen to El Cantante del Gol, Javier Fernández, call it—as heard in Colombia on Caracol TV....
The USMNT Needs To Go Young Or Die
The United States Men’s National Team will open the Copa America Centenario—a wonderfully entertaining Frankentournament that the U.S. is hosting only through sheer force of corruption—with a match against Colombia tonight in Santa Clara, Calif. Colombia is the shit. They could have taken down Brazi...
Reports: Mexican Striker Alan Pulido Kidnapped
Mexican media sources are reporting Alan Pulido is missing after reportedly being taken by armed kidnappers outside a restaurant in his hometown of Ciudad Victoria, where the Olympiakos striker had returned following the end of the Greek league season....
Argentina Follows Mexico's Lead, Uses Donald Trump To Troll America
We’re beginning to learn that Donald Trump quotes about the impending ruination of America are great fodder for chopping up and serving back to us in the form of troll bait. A Mexican TV station started the trend last year, and now Argentina’s TyC Sports has followed suit....
The Copa América Centenario Is Going To Be Awesome
South America’s continental championship, the Copa América, has never received the prestige it perhaps deserves. Despite being contested among some of world soccer’s great powers, like Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay, it has never risen to the level of consciousness of the World Cup, the Euros, the O...
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Chilean Satire Mag Makes A Funny About Messi Getting Finger Up His Butt
“Get ready, Messi,” Chilean magazine The Clinical writes, riffing on Chile defender Gonzalo Jara’s recent finger-in-the-butthole move, as well as Lionel Messi’s oft-mentioned otherworldly abilities ahead of Saturday’s Chile-Argentina Copa América final. Pretty clever, you guys!...
Lionel Messi Turns Two Defenders Into Larry And Moe
Look at the image above. It appears to show two well-positioned Paraguayan defenders on the cusp of shepherding the ball away from Lionel Messi. Now, watch the video below, where Messi skips past one, nutmegs the other, and generally jukes them so hard that they crash into each other, left helpless ...
"An Absolute Glitterbomb": Chile Takes Lead On Long-Distance <i>Golazo</i>
Chile launched Estadio Nacional into ecstasy when Edu Vargas landed an unreal screamer to put the host side up 2-1 on Peru just minutes after Gary Medel had equalized for the Peruvians in the Copa America semifinal. As you might expect, it sent beIN announcer Ray Hudson into orgasmic screams....
Paraguayan Soccer Player Wins Game On PK, Uncle Dies Of Heart Attack
Paraguay put down Brazil in the Copa America last night, winning on penalties after Derlis Gonzalez equalized on a penalty in the second half and converted the deciding goal in the shootout. Reportedly, in the excitement of watching the winning shot, his 44-year-old uncle died of a heart attack. ...
Evil Soccer Man Sticks His Fingers Up Opponent's Butthole
What part of “you can’t use your hands” don’t you get, Gonzalo Jara? And Cavani was the one who got sent off? There’s no justice in this world....
Neymar Suspended For The Rest Of Copa América
Yesterday, we lamented the preliminary two-match suspension handed down to Neymar because of his actions at the end of the Brazil-Colombia game. We now know for (almost) certain that we have seen the last of Brazil’s stud for the Copa América, as his suspension has been increased to four games....
Neymar Given Two-Match Suspension For Shenanigans After Colombia Loss
Colombia beat Brazil 1-0 last night in the Copa América, Los Cafeteros’ first win over the South American giants since 1991. But instead of the impressiveness of the feat (and Brazil’s continued struggles) taking center stage, the kerfuffle that broke out after the final whistle has overshadowed the...
Neymar, Brazil's Soccer Messiah, Is Somehow Surpassing His Own Hype
A fundamental part of the marvel that is LeBron James is the sheer madness of his journey. Here is a man who was on the cover of national magazines and playing in front of millions on cable TV as a high schooler, who by the time he was eligible to vote was already being hailed as the successor to qu...
Peru And Venezuela Are About To Play For South American Soccer's Consolation Prize
So what if Irina Grandez and Daisy Araujo didn't quite measure up to Larissa Riquelme in the "world will watch my nation's soccer match to see whether I will have to strip naked for them" sweepstakes? Paraguay Cell Phone Girl's nudity will be decided tomorrow. But, Irina and Daisy's heroes on the ...
Everybody Feared The Worst When Old Man Brent Musburger Went Rogue In Vegas For A Spell
Your morning roundup for July 23, the day after we learned that high-school tennis coaches really might want to stay away from strip-club ownership....