EPL Page 13 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Manchester City Supporters Praise Jesus After Stoppage-Time Goal
Manchester City pulled out a win over Swansea City after Jesus showed no mercy to keeper Łukasz Fabiański and knocked in a rebound in the 92nd minute to give the home supporters a 2-1 win to go crazy about....
Eden Hazard Makes Arsenal Look Like Children
Chelsea doubled its lead on Arsenal early in the second half as Eden Hazard wove his way past a Gunners squad apparently completely made up of the family members of neighboring Mr. Bean. ...
Elderly Giant Peter Crouch Is Still Scoring Goals And Dancing Like A Lovable Goof
Of all the soccer players even non-obsessives can most likely recognize, Peter Crouch is probably the oddest. He was never a truly great player, and never really all that popular or famous, either. For most of you who know Peter Crouch, it’s because of two of his immutable attributes: 1) that he’s E...
This Terrible Jack Rodwell Tackle Is Why English Soccer Is Wonderfully Stupid
Just look at this shit. A beautiful touch by Tottenham’s Mousa Dembélé to slice through Sunderland’s midfield. A completely hopeless and reckless leg-smasher of a tackle by Jack Rodwell in response to Dembélé’s skill. And somehow, despite standing three feet away with a perfect view of the clatterin...
Apparently Nobody Wants To Make It Hard For Chelsea To Win The Premier League
Chelsea came into today’s huge match against Liverpool atop the Premier League with an eight-point lead in the table that seemed right on the cusp of insurmountability. A loss away at Liverpool, once perceived to be Chelsea’s strongest rivals for the title, was probably the only thing that could tru...
David Luiz Definitely Stole This Free Kick And It Was Genius
My first thought after seeing the ball fly into Liverpool’s completely undefended net after a set piece was Holy shit, what just happened? My next was Oh wow, what a great psych-out free kick routine by Chelsea there! It was only upon my third thought that the true magnitude of the situation’s brill...
Dimitri Payet Gets Out Of England While The Getting Is Good<em></em>
Oh, Dimitri, we hardly knew ye—not that we were given much of a chance, seeing as your too-brief and utterly incandescent Premier League career lasted just a season and a half. ...
Granit Xhaka Interviewed By Police After Allegedly Calling Airport Worker A "Fucking White Bitch"
Arsenal midfielder Granit Xhaka was in London’s Heathrow Airport yesterday to see off his girlfriend’s brother on a flight to Germany. Things didn’t go as planned, though, and when the brother learned that he would miss his flight, Xhaka allegedly blew up on an employee of the airport, calling the w...
Manchester City Might Be Too Good To Become Great
That was more like it. Sure, Manchester City’s 2-2 draw against Tottenham on Saturday was on one hand frustratingly disappointing, seeing as the Citizens completely dominated Spurs and, barring some poor finishing, even worse refereeing, and a couple ill-timed defensive lapses, could’ve and should’v...
Arsène Wenger Charged By F.A. After Pushing Referee
Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger has now been formally charged with misconduct by the English F.A. after a spat he instigated with the referees during yesterday’s Premier League match against Burnley....
David Moyes To Sunderland Fans: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here
Sunderland are in trouble. The squad is bad, the team is broke, and the man overseeing it all, once-heralded and now cosmically beleaguered manager David Moyes, can’t muster the will to even feign optimism....
Harry Kane Doesn't Look Like A Great Player, And Yet He Is<em></em>
Just look at that face. If you showed a bunch of people who didn’t know any better a picture of Tottenham’s unassuming star forward Harry Kane and asked them to guess what he does for a living, I’m quite confident that “pro athlete” would rank way down the list, somewhere behind “accountant,” “hands...
Diego Costa And Eden Hazard Are Good As Hell Again
Remember this past summer, when Chelsea were reportedly sniffing around every big-name striker out there in an effort to find a replacement for the once-feared, maybe-fallen (and possibly fat?) Diego Costa, who just a couple season ago looked like a legit (and arguably literal) world-beater? And whe...
Premier League Ref Wants In On The Chinese Soccer Gravy Train
With all of the gargantuan contracts the Chinese Super League has handed out to star(ish) soccer players over the last year or so, it was only a matter of time before those on the sport’s periphery started batting their eyes eastward, hoping to secure some of those seemingly infinite riches for them...
Sam Allardyce Pissed Off At Watford's Mascot For Making Fun Of Player's Dive
When Sam Allardyce, fresh off bullshitting his way out of the England job, returned from his brief absence to the Premier League with Crystal Palace last week, we knew we were in store for a few things: hard-fought, defensively sound wins, Palace’s safety from relegation, and a handful of absurd pub...
Bob Bradley Fired By Swansea City
Less than three months after becoming the first American to manage a club in the Premier League, Bob Bradley has been sacked by Swansea today. Unfortunately, it is well-deserved....
When Your Mate's Knackered And You Can't Be Arsed To Knock Him Up
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Reports: BIG SAM BACK
Sky Sports and the BBC are reporting that the inevitable will soon be made official: Crystal Palace, a single day after canning Alan Pardew, will appoint former England manager (that really happened, right?) and relegation zone escape artist Sam Allardyce as their next manager....
Chinese Club Buys Oscar For Ungodly Sum Of Money And Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
The insanity of the Chinese Super League’s all-out assault on the traditional soccer hierarchy continues apace. All of it is shocking and none of it makes sense but this does indeed appear to be the new reality....
José Mourinho Compliments Chelsea For Playing Like A José Mourinho Team
As José Mourinho has made abundantly clear recently, the Special One is a little peeved by the double standard to which he’s subjected by the media and public. When his teams play defensively-sound soccer it’s criticized, called pragmatic and ugly; when other teams do so, it’s lauded as being smart ...