i Page 5169 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
That Feeling When You Think You Fucked Up But It All Works Out Anyway
I like to think that Philipp Schobesberger of Rapid Vienna helped an old lady carry her groceries up a couple flights of stairs last week and thus was karmically rewarded with this goal right here....
<i>Houston Chronicle</i> Accidentally Burns Urban Meyer, Apologizes
Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer took a dig at Alabama today when he disclosed the name of his team’s field goal return play. (It’s a reference to the 2013 Iron Bowl, in which the Crimson Tide found a way to fuck up a tie game with one second left in regulation, you see.) One employee at the Housto...
A More Honest Version Of Ben Carson's Rap Campaign Ad
As we noted earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has a rap campaign ad. We found the ad lacking a bit in some of the neurosurgeon’s more intellectual observations, though, and so we made him a new version....
Will Kobe Bryant Survive This Season?
The early part of the NBA season has been defined by a torrent of incredible Steph Curry highlights and an alternate, uglier torrent of Kobe Bryant lowlights, wherein the Lakers superstar is hopelessly air-balling shot after shot as his teammates—still regarded by Kobe as mere assistants—look on hel...
Ken Shamrock Talking About Getting Knocked Out By Kimbo Slice Will Make You Sad
After nearly five years without a fight, Ken Shamrock, 51, came out of retirement this summer to fight Kimbo Slice, a 41-year-old brawler who hadn’t fought in five years himself. From the start, it figured to be an ugly, bizarre affair. It was....
How To Argue Without Ruining Your Relationship
So here’s the thing about romantic relationships: They’re work....
<i>The Peanuts Movie </i>Is Faithful To Charles Schulz's Creation, But Still Gets It Wrong
Back in 1997, when L.A. Weekly critic Manohla Dargis gave a negative review to The Lost World, the hotly-anticipated sequel to Jurassic Park, she noted that not liking the movie was the equivalent of announcing that Christmas had been canceled to its fans. In kind, giving a thumbs-down to The Peanut...
French Media Calls In Body Language Expert To Divine Ronaldo's Secret Intentions
Every couple years, the European media works itself into a bubbly froth about Cristiano Ronaldo’s future. We’re now in the thick of yet another foamy period, and perhaps because his departure might actually be imminent this time, the papers are going to absurd lengths to search for clues....
The Blues And Blackhawks Scored 10 Damn Goals In Two Periods
We get emails. Today’s email, from Mikhail, is a perfectly acceptable one:...
How To Fix The NFL’s Quarterback Crisis
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....
NASA Is Recruiting New Astronauts, But Don't Even Think About It
Guess what? NASA is recruiting a class of new astronauts, and anybody can apply starting in December. Sorry to dash any of your remaining childhood dreams, but it won’t be any of you. ...
Reports: The Detroit Lions Are Cleaning House
The Detroit Lions have a long history of sucking, but in recent seasons, the team broke tradition and tried winning. They were 11-5 last season, and came very close to making the second round of the playoffs. The Lions were supposed to build on that, but through eight games this season, they’re 1-7....
This Shot May Not Have Counted, But It's Still Cool As Hell
Unfortunately for Celtics forward Jae Crowder, there’s some sort of rule against heaving a full-court inbound pass straight into the bucket. This rule is clearly stupid, and Crowder should have been awarded five points. ...
Chris Stapleton Is Your New "Real Country Music" Savior
So the 49th-annual Country Music Association Awards—the Grammys for people who hate ObamaCare, basically—went down last night, and the guy in this video won all the important ones. (Not Justin Timberlake; the other one, the burly, hirsute fella who looks like an extra in that new movie where Leonard...
Ben Carson Made A Rap Song For The Blacks
With the 2016 election now just a year away, presidential campaigns are finally getting down to serious business. As Barack Hussein Obama proved seven years back, there are oodles of black people in this country, and some even vote. The blacks are a valuable constituency, so it behooves each preside...
VOTE MARV BUSH 2016
It has been a lousy month for Jeb Bush, gang. He’s running out of cash. His polls numbers are in the shitter. He spends a lot of time now tending to his email. And he appears to be publicly melting into a puddle of tepid lip-sweat before our very eyes, if this tweet is to be believed....
Phil Kessel Cross-Checks, Gets Called A "Fucking Fat Fuck"
Penguins winger Phil Kessel normally tends to get mad, but Wednesday night, he was bad. Kessel cross-checked Canucks winger Derek Dorsett, prompting a crowd of players near the benches. The Penguin got a deserved penalty for it, but Dorsett was still fuming in the penalty box....
Sad Jeb Bush Is Just Sitting Up At Night, Waiting To Chat About Football With You
Jeb Bush, the former frontrunner for the Republican Presidential nomination, may have finally hit rock bottom. Fresh off his piss-baby performance at the last debate, Jeb has now transformed into your sad uncle who just wishes that he heard from the kids more often....
Kobe Bryant Gets The <i>NBA Jam</i> Treatment, And He's Not Exactly On Fire
I can’t tell if these tears coming down my face are ones of laughter or sadness, but I’m crying all the same....
Lance Berkman Is Sick Of All This Goddamn Tolerance
Lance Berkman, a bigoted Mr. Potato Head who learned how to play baseball, recently cut a political ad against an anti-discrimination ordinance that was up for a vote in Houston, Tex. Berkman was against the ordinance because it would allow “troubled men who claim to be women” to enter women’s bathr...