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Amateur Hour For Drunks: A Dispatch From Opening Day In America
(This article was originally published at DesigNate Robertson. Photos by the author.)...

The Wonderlic Test Proves The NFL Is Stupid
Here is an indisputable fact, one of the very few that exist surrounding the mysterious and dreaded Wonderlic Test: the Wonderlic is not meant for football. Over 75 years, only a few thousand of the more than a hundred million test takers have been NFL hopefuls. It is a test of problem solving and c...

Pirates Fan Sleeps His Way Through Opening Day
Yesterday was the start of a new season of baseball in Pittsburgh, and that means the promise of another 90-loss summer. The fan in the yellow hat just over the left shoulder of Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz just couldn't contain his excitement....

This Is What Happens When You Accuse A Notre Dame Football Player Of Sexually Assaulting You
Last week, the National Catholic Reporter published a lengthy piece on reported sexual assaults at Notre Dame. Its fulcrum is the case involving Lizzy Seeberg, a 19-year-old freshman at nearby St. Mary's College who committed suicide in September 2010, just 10 days after she was allegedly sexually a...

In New York, You No Longer Have To Keep Your Dead Racehorse
The practice just about everywhere is that horses are purchased right before a claiming race, and immediately become the property of their new owner—even if the horse breaks down and dies. This has been causing problems, especially at Aqueduct Racetrack, where the Winter Meet death toll is nearing 2...

Deadspin Does Opening Day, Again
Another day, another Opening Day! Here's your open thread for today's baseball games. And here's some more reading for you while the Red Sox waste time between pitches: Wait, when does the season begin, again? » | The historical events that could have happened in the time it took MLB to start its se...

Mets Fans Should Be Proud Of Not Selling Out Opening Day
If you're not doing anything today, why not head out to Citi Field to catch the Mets' Opening Day game? At last check, there were several thousand decent seats still available. To make it even sweeter, if you go today, you'll get free tickets to another game this weekend....

At Least One Marlins Fan Wasn't Happy Karl Ravech Insulted Their Centerfield Home Run Sculpture
ESPN would come to regret their sarcastic take on the Marlins' new digs—"center field home run thing" being one of Ravech's phrases—but the Worldwide Leader should count their blessings. After all, Miamians have been known to react a bit more violently to perceived slights; a dude flipping his midd...

If You're In NYC Tomorrow Night, Come Hear Some Good Writers Read To Welcome Baseball Back
This month's edition of Gelf's terrific Varsity Letters reading series focuses on—what else?—baseball. Come hear the Times' Dan Barry, Baseball Prospectus's Jay Jaffe and Steven Goldman, and Glenn Stout, author of Fenway 1912. They're great and so is baseball. 7:30 p.m. Thursday at Le Poisson Rouge...

The Marlins Opened Their New Stadium In The Saddest, Most Awkward Way Possible
Marlins Park is the new jewel of Miami, and team owner Jeffrey Loria must've figured it wise to use a big-time celebrity with some Miami cred to deliver the ceremonial first pitch ball. (Also, it'd be a sly way of avoiding any boos on what was supposed to be a celebratory moment.) Loria's choice ...

Deadspin Does Opening Day*
Baseball continued its soft opening tonight, taking the show to Miami. Cards won, 4-1. But that doesn't mean you can't catch up on some stuff we wrote: Wait, when does the season begin, again? » | The Marlins did wrong by Muhammad Ali tonight » | Get to know MLB's human element » | Baseball Prospect...

The Marlins Have Scheduled A Five-Minute Standing Ovation After The First Pitch Tonight
Tweets Jayson Stark: "Still no word on who's throwing out first pitch at Marlins Park. But MLB has scheduled a 5-minute standing O when he or she is announced." Hmm. Jeb Bush?...

10 Historical Events That Would've Been Completed In The Interval Between MLB's First And Last Opening Days This Year
1. Anglo-Zanzibar War (38 minutes) 2. Death and resurrection of Jesus (according to Bible) (36 hours) 3. October Revolution (2 days) 4. Bay of Pigs Invasion (3 days) 5. Operation Desert Fox (4 days) 6. The ground conflict of the Gulf War (4 days) 7. February Revolution (5 days) 8. Six-Day War (6 day...

Joey Votto's New Contract Is Like A Mortgage-Backed Security
Reds first baseman Joey Votto officially signed a big contract extension today. A big, honking deal: 10 years, $225 million, on top of the two years and $26 million the Reds already promised him for 2012 and 2013. There's an option year for 2024....

Science! Simulates The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The Washington Wizards
Paul Bessire runs PredictionMachine.com and created the Predictalator, the most advanced sports forecasting software available today. The technology has the ability to account for all of the statistical interactions of the players, coaches, officials, and fans (homefield advantage) in each game. The...

Report: The Vikings Are Trying To Hire Bill Parcells
Oh, you thought Bill Parcells was going to babysit the Saints for a year? Not if Zygi Wilf gets his way, says the New York Post:...

Everyone Trying To Undermine Bobby Valentine
Beyond Lester, Beckett and Buchholz, the Red Sox rotation was up in the air. Would it be Daniel Bard, once the closer-in-waiting, now being stretched out to be a starter? Alfredo Aceves, the Yankees cast-off who can start, relieve or close? A guy named Felix Doubront? This being the Red Sox, and thi...

Donald Driver Allegedly Had To Restrain Jaleel White When Urkel Went Nuts On <em>Dancing With The Stars</em>
Dancing With The Stars producers who thought they were getting Urkel got a bit more Stefan than they were counting on as Jaleel White allegedly snapped when he stepped on his partner's foot leading to an altercation in which fellow DWTS competitor (and Packers WR) Donald Driver intervened....

Here's What Kentucky's Championship Celebration Sounded Like Over The Lexington Police Scanner
If you weren't tuned in to the Lexington Police Department's radio scanner last night, you missed out on a wild world of sports celebrations that ranged from the violent to the perverse. (The #LexingtonPoliceScanner Twitter hashtag alone was trending worldwide, at one point.) We recorded the whole ...

30 Paragraphs About 30 MLB Teams From The Baseball Prospectus Crew
The following is excerpted from the team chapters and player profiles of the perpetually splendid Baseball Prospectus. You can buy the book now. Projected records via BP's playoff odds report. ...