off Page 314 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
"I Really Have Nothing To Say": 13 Years Of Sad Bert Blyleven Reactions
Every year, poor Bert Blyleven falls short of Cooperstown, and every year, he's asked how it feels. Looking back on 13 years of his glum responses is almost heartbreaking, like watching a frown in slow motion....
Star Spitting Is Worst Thing To Happen In Dallas Since Kennedy Assassination
An Eagles fan/employee "defiled" Cowboys Stadium with a vicious (and viscous) attack on the city of Dallas, football fans, and basic human decency. He spit on the star at midfield. Twice. Hey, that artificial turf is expensive to steam clean!...
BBWAA Spits In Alomar's Face, Elects Andre Dawson
The Hawk and his sweet-ass theme song are in the Hall of Fame. Greatest second baseman of the last 30 years? Never heard of him. [MSF/MLB]...
The 2009 Cleveland Browns: A Season Of Failure
The Cleveland Browns are not the worst team in the NFL. Yet, front office chaos, locker room drama, and a lot of lousy football have made them exemplars of what it means to be a terrible sports franchise....
Reruns Win The Weekend
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the NFL teams who beat another team just to win the right to play that same team again. Why did they even bother?...
The Britches Of Arkansas County: A Rear-Gazing Dispatch From The World Duck Calling Championship
Sam Eifling spent a recent Saturday in Stuttgart, Ark., at the World's Championship Duck Calling Contest and its Duck Gumbo party, a rollicking bumpkin Mardi Gras that has taken for its central rite the practice of slapping that ass....
Just Be Thankful It's Not Cablevision
Dan Shanoff fantasizes about a world in which Comcast-NBC is an "online sports juggernaut" and Bill Simmons, Darren Rovell, and Tommy Craggs do trust falls at the company picnic. [Dan Shanoff / Pic via]...
BCS Is The Perfect System, Says BCS Website
Listen up, dummy. You probably think the BCS is a terrible way to determine a football champion, but that's because you're a moron. Your stupid playoff ideas are stupid and I know this because I read it on the INTERNET!...
Tiger Woods Rumored To Be Getting His Becky On, Internet Declares.
The National Enquirer has been tailing a 34-year-old NYC woman whom they claim is having a dirty affair with Eldrick. They even have pictures of her in Australia checking into the same hotel as him. Brilliant MediaTakeout commenters respond accordingly....
This Is <em>Exactly</em> What It Looks Like
U.S. Marshals will be auctioning off Bernie Madoff's customized Mets jacket. So you can doubly pretend to make tons of money but fail in the end anyway. [Gaston & Sheehan Auctioneers]...
Do You Believe In Omens?
If you do, I hope you're not a Yankee fan like me. Because the cracks are starting to show....
Yankees' Loss Inspires Frantic Search For New Small-Sample-Size Scapegoat
The Yankees lost 7-6 yesterday, and if it wasn't Girardi's fault, it was Burnett's fault or Hughes' fault or Swisher's fault, three men demonstrating an unmanly lack of clutch, unlike the New York media's new darling of clutch, Alex Rodriguez....
Cranky Old Man Goes Mike Tyson On Neighbors
When the local kids' football landed in his yard, a Michigan man reacted as any of us would: he bit one of their dads on the face. [Sports Rubbish]...
A Season Of Failure, Cont'd
Good news: This now looks to be a touch overstated. Mets owners actually made about $48 million in dealings with Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff. Bad news: They're probably going to have to return the money. [Bloomberg]...
Awful Umpiring: The Human Element, They Said
Is this the worst postseason umpiring we've seen since Eric Gregg and Livan Hernandez?...
Paranoid Angels Fans Accuse Mariano Rivera Of Throwing Spitballs
Angels fans have lost their freaking minds over the video below, which allegedly catches Yankees closer Mariano Rivera in the act of spitting on a baseball, right there in front of God and Joe Buck and 45,000 fans....
These Announcers Aren’t Drunk Enough. Jamboroo, Week 6
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....
Phillies, Angels Team Up To Stop Yankees
A simple error by the MLB web team or wishful thinking by our Buddy Bud? Or is C.C. Sabathia so intimidating it takes the Angels lineup and all four Philly starters to bring him down?...
Baseball's Robot Revolution Is Coming
The umpires managed to not screw up the Phillies-Rockies game last night (I think), but that hasn't stopped people from continuing to talk about how horrible they are. Today's solution? Let's turn baseball into tennis!...
The Bitter Tears Of The Best Fans In Baseball
In the wake of Matt Holliday's fateful decision to play James Loney's soft liner off his testicles, Cardinals Nation expressed several sentiments unbecoming the best fans in baseball but at least cleared all five stages of grief....