scream Page 149 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Who Cares If Jérémy Ménez Was Just Fucking Around, This Goal Is Dope
"Well actually," pedantic soccer fan (but I repeat myself) begins, "Ménez had been offside for a while, so the 'goal' was"—yeah, shut the fuck up. Just look at the spin on that thing:...
Player Gets Red Card For Hacking Down His Own Brother
I mean, I get it. Sometimes, brothers suck. Sometimes, shit gets heated. Sometimes, there's nothing to do but take a running start, slide two feet through the back of their legs, and deal with Ma Dukes later....
Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Features A Big Ol' Bulging Dick
Cristiano Ronaldo is, quite deservedly, an icon in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, Portugal—so much so that he has a museum dedicated in his honor. This weekend, Ronaldo was on hand to witness the unveiling of a new statue made in his image. What can we say? The statue is sporting a huge erection....
Viggo Mortensen Calls Cristiano Ronaldo A Pretty Boy Choke Artist
Viggo Mortensen—the NYC-born, Buenos Aires-raised Danish-American actor most famous for playing Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings movies—is a humongous fan of Argentine club San Lorenzo. His team has reached the final of the FIFA Club World Cup, where they face Real Madrid. As well as acting, Mortens...
Both Of Lionel Messi's Feet Must Be Made Of Glue
Let's ignore the video of Lionel Messi's second goal today for a minute, and just stare at the picture above. That's the world's best left foot plucking a screaming ball out of the air as casually as a frog would an unexpecting fly, or Odell Beckham would a lobbed duck of a pass in pregame warm-up...
I Think Érik Lamela's Got His Swagger Back
Érik Lamela was supposed to be the crown jewel in Tottenham's post-Gareth Bale transfer haul. After a pretty much nonexistent debut season last year, Lamela's looked a lot more promising this campaign. Just look at the bender he whales in from about 25 yards out:...
Yaya Touré Is Back To Smashing In The Goals
It was a bit of a shaky start for Yaya Touré this season, and as Manchester City's best player, it's meant a bit of a shaky start for the club. But today's match against Crystal Palace saw him back to the position he's most comfortable in, finishing off a perfectly worked counter by bludgeoning th...
Lots Of Things Happened In Soccer In 2014 And Here Are Many Of Them
From the good folks at Project Babb, here's your soccer year in review, in easy-to-digest, self-aware musical parody form....
Marco Reus Fined $670,000 For Driving Without A License
German paper Bild reports (paywall) that Borussia Dortmund star Marco Reus has been fined €540,000 after police discovered he had been driving without a license for the past three years. Apparently Reus received five speeding tickets during that time, but somehow police never figured out that he a...
Chile Is Obsessed With Alexis Sánchez's Sex Life
New Arsenal star Alexis Sánchez has come into the Premier League and torn shit up. Naturally, his native Chile has been very interested in their local hero's exploits. And while there hasn't been too much to worry about in terms of his playing performance, the country's press has kept a close eye on...
Head FIFA Investigator Quits To Protest Cover-Up
Michael J. Garcia, the former U.S. Attorney who spent 18 months investigating charges of corruption levied against FIFA only to have his 432-page report locked away and publicly summarized in a 42-page report that Garcia himself deemed to be incomplete and inaccurate, is tired of this bullshit....
Who Will Develop The First Great American Soccer Star?
For as far as soccer—the official Sport Of The Future on these shores for decades now—has come in America, we still haven't hit upon a sustainable youth development model to cultivate all levels of professional talent, from squad-fillers to superstars. This leaves interested parties at home and abro...
Tim Howard Retracts Book Claim That Brad Friedel Tried To Sabotage Him
Tim Howard has announced that he will alter future editions of his just-published book, in response to Brad Friedel's complaint that the book unfairly and inaccurately claims that Friedel attempted to block Howard's move to the Premier League. This decade-old goalkeeper feud still burns brightly, ap...
Spanish Soccer Official Bails On Meeting To Go To Real Madrid Game
One of the most pressing concerns in Spanish soccer today is how to deal with fan violence. Apparently, a more pressing concern is whether Real Madrid will win the Club World Cup that takes place this week, since the president of Spanish Soccer blew off a meeting addressing the violence to watch Los...
This Story Proves That Argentine Striker Diego Milito Is The Best
Diego Milito, the former Inter star striker who now plays for his boyhood team Racing Club back in Argentina, is the coolest. All it took was the following story, about "The Prince," one fan, rosary beads, and two shocking championships spaced 13 years apart, to convince us that it's true....
Goalkeeper Manuel Neuer Out To Prove He's Really A Midfielder At Heart
Pep, please, do your star keeper this solid: Bayern will obviously have the Bundesliga wrapped up in about a month from now, could we get some games for Manuel Neuer in defensive midfield? We've seen his ridiculous passing, and now his open-field tackling. What else does he have to prove?...
You Do Not Fuck Around With FIFA's Logos
This will probably not come as a shock, but FIFA really, really cares about its brand. Sure, it's fine allying with slavers and shrugging at the deadly work conditions for "employees" in its host nations, and, when evidence of corruption in the World Cup bidding process is found, is more concerned...
UVA Wins NCAA Men's Soccer Championship On Penalties
No. 16 Virginia beat No. 2 UCLA on penalties today after the Bruins clanged two straight shots off the same inch of crossbar. It's UVa's seventh NCAA men's soccer championship. Here are the nine penalties, mostly notable for the dopey versions of PK celebrations from the kids. ...
Giroud Is A Wizard
Sure, Olivier Giroud is unmarked, but that's a marvelous angle....