The Closer: Man In The Iron Mask

Notes from a day in baseball:

• 1. Taste The Rockies. We have no earthly idea what would compel someone to want to become a major league umpire. The pay is good, we suppose, and you get to be around baseball; but it's an impossible job requiring a lot of travel and everyone pretty much hates you. We're surprised, therefore, that more umpires haven't melted down like Tony Randazzo did on Wednesday, ejecting Rockies manager Clint Hurdle and reliever Ray King in the ninth for, well, we're still not sure. All we know is that Randazzo ran up the first base line to confront King, and then chest-bumped Hurdle. To be fair, it was a game that would drive anyone insane: It took 3:25 in temperatures that reached 97 degrees, as Colorado tied a major league record with five sacrifice flies in its 16-9 win over the Pirates.

• 2. The AARP, The NL And You. Sometimes we're not quite sure what decade we're in. A headline such as "Glavine first to nine wins" could have occurred in 1996, or even 1986 we suppose (our NL Green Book isn't handy). The Ancient One went 5 1/3 innings and was bolstered by three hits each from Carlos Beltran and David Wright as the Mets beat the Dodgers 9-7.

• 3. Oh, Baby. If the White Sox repeat this season, Juan Uribe's wife deserves as full World Series share, yes? Alex Cintron, who is only playing because Uribe is with his expecting wife, hit the winning single in the seventh to lead the Sox over the Tigers 4-3. His three-run homer had beaten the Tigers on Tuesday, as we recall.

• 4. A Perfect Dilemma. Memo to Bartolo Colon: Hey dude, enjoying your vacation? Um, take your time; don't rush back. Jared Weaver is now 3-0 in three major league starts, his latest a strong, six-inning stint to lead the Angels over the Devil Rays 6-2.

• 5. Bonds Misses The D Train. Dontrelle Willis threw a six-hitter as the Marlins beat the Giants 8-1, in a game that Barry Bonds sat out with "a tweaked back." The Giants say Bonds may be out for a while, as we're beginning to suspect that "tweaked back" is some sort of code for "the Feds are closing in." (Sorry.)