The Glorious Return Of The "Superstars"

Because television officially ran out of ideas six years ago, ABC is bringing back " Superstars," the insane multi-sport athletic competition designed to humiliate your childhood heroes. And guess who is the starring superstar!

Actually, ABC is playing with the formula a bit, pairing famous athletes with slightly less famous "celebrities" for a co-ed team competition that will eliminate one pairing a week until an ultimate champion is declared King of Unscripted TV. Wait until you see these teams:

• Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens ... and model Joanna Krupa! • Retired redneck Jeff Kent ... and retired Dorito girl Ali Landry! • "Big Shot" Robert Horry ... and "actress" Estella Warren! • Downhill skier Bode Miller ... and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition star Paige Hemmis! • Freestyle skier Kristi Leskinen ... and Dancer With The Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy! • Sports bra spokeswoman Brandi Chastain ... and Julio Iglesias, Jr.!

and my two favorites:

• Tennis dropout Jennifer Capriati ... and Melrose Place "star" David Charvet! • Female dunk machine Lisa Leslie ... and Dan Cortese!

There are at least six names in that group that I thought I might never hear again. Dan Cortese? Jennifer Capriati? Paige Hemmis? (That's the first time I've heard that one, actually.) This is seriously stretching the definition of the word "Superstar," but more importantly it stretches the "can't look away" trainwreck factor to dangerous levels. My DVR is hungry.

The eight teams will compete weekly in events including swimming, biking, running and kayaking. One team will be eliminated each week, leading up to the finals.

Oh no—not more swimming. That's how we nearly lost Joe Frazier....

T.O., baby! Owens set for new-look 'Superstars' [ABC 11] Terrell Owens to Headline Latest Reincarnation of "The Superstars" [Black Sports Online] The Superstars Show from the 1970's will return [Plain Dealer] Stars & Athletes Pair Up For ABC Reality Competition 'The Superstars' [NBC LA]