Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

What to watch as you try and get the poop stains out of your towel:

8:00PM - Tennis: U.S. Open Women Final. I particularly enjoy masturbating to the "I'm getting ready to return her serve" stance. As always, I'll be muting Mary Carillo to help my penis out. (CBS)

9:00PM - CFB: South Florida at Auburn. Bull vs. War Eagle. Sounds like a good kill kill kill matchup to me. (ESPN2)


9:15PM - CFB: Virginia Tech at LSU. Winning team gets to put off emotional healing another week. (ESPN)

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