Today In The Premiership...

• Arsenal 7-0 Middlesbrough. Holy Lord. 7-0? Did they let Arsenal use their hands? Man, there's real chance that Arsenal outscores the Chicago Bears this weekend. In fact, Thierry Henry might outscore the Bears himself, as he scored three of the seven.

• Manchester City 3-1 Manchester United. They call this rivalry the "Manchester Derby," but all morning on Fox Soccer Channel, they were pronouncing it "darby," which planted the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'Arby firmly in my head for the rest of the day. The Blues won behind a goal by Trevor Sinclair on a sweet little spin move, and then Robbie Fowler put them away with a late goal.

And in other soccer news, earlier this week Will told you about Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole getting his ass whooped over a girl (that link isn't safe for work, but it is spectacular). Well, thanks to Sherm for passing along the following note from the popbitch newsletter:

The real story of Joe Cole's bust-up at a Page 3 girl's house? We hear he was shagging topless model Keely over the sink in her bathroom when her boyfriend walked in. And Joe didn't so much "flee" through a window as "was propelled" through it.

The bathroom sink? Strictly a class move. See, soccer can be awesome.