Tyson Suicide Watch Continues

We really can't handle another Mike Tyson story that's about his damn birds. Yes. We know. He smashes people's heads into mush for a living, he's self-destructive, he's served time for rape, yet he's really into birds. We get it. It's supposed to mean something. It's, like, a metaphor, you see. USA Today's crazy-maned Jon Sarceno profiles Tyson's terrible life today, which mainly consists of scribbling down Tyson's confused self-loathing. This week's We Can't Believe He Hasn't Killed Himself Yet quotes:

"I'll never be happy. I believe I'll die alone. I would want it that way. I've been a loner all my life with my secrets and my pain. I'm really lost, but I'm trying to find myself."

"I'm really a sad, pathetic case."

"My whole life has been a waste I've been a failure."

"I just want to escape. I'm really embarrassed with myself and my life. I want to be a missionary. I think I could do that while keeping my dignity without letting people know they chased me out of the country. I want to get this part of my life over as soon as possible. In this country, nothing good is going to come of me. I'm so stigmatized, there is no way I can elevate myself. They would give (the late) Jeffrey Dahmer a second chance before they gave me another one."

"I'm the worst guy in the world with women. They run circles around me."

This is Tyson talking, not Sarceno.

Tyson: "My Whole Life Has Been A Waste" [USA Today]