Week In Deadspin: Clap Your Hands Say "Cough"

• If you can't punch a bouncer for yelling at you for bringing underage girls into a bar, jeez, what's the point of playing quarterback? • Everybody get fired up about your prostate! • It's not barking anymore: Now Browns fans steal your wheels. And then they poop on towels! • "Hey, Rob!" • You know, it's kind of funny when a punter stabs another punter, it really is. • That ballboy could become the U.S.'s all time leading scorer. • We briefly ranted about "hazing." We apologize for our outburst of sense. Won't happen again. • DON'T YOU HAVE PRIDE???!!! • Dr. Z and his harem, coming to a Web video near you! • Seriously, ladies, shush, would ya? • Harold Reynolds has no idea what you're talking about, nope. • Tom Cruise and Daniel Snyder, lovebirds. • We switched the commenting rules a bit, but it wasn't so bad, was it? • Michael Irvin gets an earful from Tom Jackson. • No more Illinois football for us, thanks. • Jay Mariotti, all class. • Don't let your kids grow up to be sports reporters.

We really are going to try to make it out to the Chad Johnson chicken dance tomorrow, though we can't guarantee anything; noon is pretty early. The Mighty MJD will be around to guide you through a busy weekend, and we'll be back Monday, hopefully with a bright blonde mohawk. Look busy, kids, and we'll see you then.