Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Detroit Lions.
Your 2015 record: 7-9. Roll the video…
That’s 61 yards on an untimed down coming off a facemask penalty that looked like a facemask penalty but was NOT, in fact, a facemask penalty. This only happens when you’re the Lions. No other team is so perennially capable of stringing you along for a bit, and then having its past reputation for losing and dirty nut-stomping collide with its present incompetence in one fantastic moment of abject stupidity.
Oh, and then there was this:
Amazing. You guys make Cleveland seemed blessed by comparison.
Your coach: Jim Caldwell, who somehow survived the midseason blood purge that wiped out the entire Lions front office. Maybe they simply didn’t realize Caldwell was there? The man is a world-class master at staying perfectly still. I bet he kicks ass at hide and seek. Put a lampshade on his head and he’ll remain unnoticed for DAYS.
As for the front office, former Matt Millen stooge Martin Mayhew is finally gone, replaced with Bob Quinn, who used to work for… Oh, Christ… the fucking Patriots. Apparently, the Lions are the last NFL team to realize that any executive or coach from that organization NOT named Belichick is as valuable as tits on a bull. Let’s hear some more from Pioli Junior here:
And though he said he won’t “cut and paste everything” he learned in New England into his new gig with the Lions, Quinn made it clear the Patriot Way is coming to Detroit.
You’re fucked. You’re eight different kinds of fucked. By Week 3, all the toilets will be bugged and half the roster will be cut and replaced with undrafted free agents from Rutgers.
Also, the team has a new president! Let’s see what he has to say!
I like his straight shooting.
Your quarterback: Teenage weed dealer Matt Stafford, seen here petrified in oak after drunkenly taunting a New Orleans witch doctor:
You’re about to bear witness to a fully unarmed and non-operational Matt Stafford now that this eternal groomsman can’t launch the ball nine miles downfield every third down. And that’s because…
What’s new that sucks: He’s gone. I know it hurt when Calvin Johnson made his retirement official, but you people aren’t really gonna feel the loss until September, when Stafford spends 10 seconds on every dropback frantically searching for him, only to end up getting power-bombed into the Ford Field turf.
Megatron is now the second Hall-of-Fame player to retire prematurely simply because playing for the Lions destroyed his passion for both football and prescription pain medication. It’s legitimately enraging that this team got both Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson and forced them into early retirement by being such a trash franchise. That hasn’t even happened ONCE with any other team. This is a phenomenon unique to the Lions. If they had drafted Andrew Luck, he’d be an architect already.
To ease the sting of losing of Johnson, the team brought in Bengals deep threat Marvin Jones (hurt every other week), along with Anquan Boldin’s Terminator skull. The prime deep threat is now Golden Tate, who is one of the biggest fuckboys in the sport. He’ll get 200 targets this season because the Lions HATE running the ball. Watching Ameer Abdullah fumble on an hourly basis will do that to your offense.
Also, Eric Ebron is hurt, which actually IMPROVES this offense. Did you know they could have drafted Odell instead? But don’t worry, he also would have retired early.
On defense, the team extended 32-year-old Haloti Ngata to fill the void left a year ago by Ndamukong Suh and his anger pills. Ngata hasn’t played a full season in four years. Oh yay. Free agent safety Glover Quin and second rounder A’Shawn Robinson are also new in town, but the Lions are one of those teams to regularly make moves that SEEM competent only to have them all go to shit anyway. (Correction: Quin has been here three years! Who knew?!) Join us at midseason when this team loses a game at the gun because Stafford didn’t know it was illegal to eat the ball. This isn’t even the best football team in Michigan anymore.
What has always sucked: You already know that the Lions suck, but what’s worse is that this organization is determined to quash any possible fan loyalty that might remain after all that sucking. Tell ‘em, Earl:
All that man wanted to do was stand and cheer while looking like a hobo child molester. But I guess that’s too much to ask of a team that constantly tries to hide its public disgraces and can’t even manage to do THAT successfully. If the Ford family could make this team invisible and still get their TV revenue, they would. The Tigers went from being the worst team in baseball history to pennant winner to rebuilding club to pennant winner to rebuilding club in the time that the Lions have continued to suck ass.
As for this limp, suburbanite fanbase… The Lions have the most ridiculous self-image in football. Their whole schtick is DURRRRRR WE MIGHT BE LOSING, BUT WE’RE LIKE THE TOUGH AUTOWORKERS OF THIS GRITTY INDUSTRIAL TOWN! WE MAY GO DOWN BUT NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT DURRRRR. Sure, Tim from Bloomfield Hills. I’m sure you and your neighbor Wilson have plenty of tough-talkin’ chats about the Lions in between dry-humping your power tools. These repulsive fans backed Ndamukong Suh in ways Eagles fans would have been ashamed to do. “Grinding your cleats on a downed man’s cock and balls is clean, old fashioned gamesmanship!”
Meanwhile, the Lions play in a gaudy stadium for some of the richest people on the planet. They’re basically a Mitt Romney ad. Fuck them. They deserve four more years of discount Pats management and Caldwell staring off into space, trying to sort out who farted.
What might not suck: Look, this is still a fairly talented team that has the ability to build up a 20-point lead before blowing it in a matter of seconds. So just watch the game for three quarters and then go the fuck to sleep. It’ll be a great season for you.
Let’s remember some Lions:
Hear it from Lions fans!
We have never won the NFC North.
THE LAST FEW YEARS YOU COULD FIND ME HERE RAGING ABOUT THE DETROIT LIONS WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND HARRISON FORDS. BUT NO MORE. WHY? WELL A FEW REASONS:
1. FIRST AND FOREMOST: LOOK AT THIS SHIT. LOOK AT IT! BECAUSE THIS HANDY AND ASTONISHING CHART COMPLIMENTS OF THE DETROIT FREE PRESS TRULY CRYSTALLIZES THE FUTILITY. AS DOCUMENTS OF FAILURE GO IVE SEEN SUNNIER SUICIDE NOTES. YES THIS GRAPHIC HAS BEEN SEARED INTO MY MEMORY EVER SINCE I FIRST GAZED UPON IT. I SEE A GHOSTLY IMAGE OF IT EVERY TIME I BLINK. I URGE YOU ALL TO BEAR WITNESS AND DESPAIR. AND IF YOU CAN LOOK AT THIS AND STILL SAY “PARITY” WITHOUT PISSING YOURSELF LAUGHING THEN YOU ARE A BULLSHITTER OF SUPREME POISE
2. IT’S THE SAME FUCKING SHIT THE SAME FUCKING FAILURE THE SAME FUCKING ENSUING GODDAMN FUCKING RAGE EVERY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING JESUS CHRIST YEAR. THEY JUST FIND SUBTLE AND EXQUISITE VARIATIONS ON THE SAME INCOMPETENCE. WHAT’S IT GONNA BE THIS YEAR? WILL IT BE ANOTHER RENDITION OF THE TIMELESS CLASSIC WHERE THEY START OUT SHITTY AND CREEP BACK UP AROUND .500 JUST IN TIME TO MISS THE PLAYOFFS, FUCK UP THE DRAFT PICK AND ENSURE THAT NOBODY GETS SHITCANNED?
OR WILL IT BE THAT OLD HUMDINGER WHERE THEY START OUT HOTTER THAN FRANKENHOOKER THEN FALL THE FUCK APART AND WIND UP WITH A RECORD THAT MISSES THE PLAYOFFS, FUCKS UP THE DRAFT PICK, AND ISNT BAD ENOUGH TO GET ANYBODY SHITCANNED? HEY MAYBE THEY’LL JUST GET FUCKING ANNIHILATED, WASTE A GOOD DRAFT PICK, AND STILL NOT FIRE ANYBODY. OR MAYBE THEY’LL FIRE A FEW PEOPLE AND REPLACE THEM WITH EVEN BIGGER LOSERS. OR MAYBE THEY’LL SHOCK EVERYBODY AND BLAZE THEIR WAY TO THE PLAYOFFS ONLY TO PUT ON ANOTHER DOG-DICKING FIRST ROUND WRIST-OPENER.
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ROAD THEY TAKE TO GET THERE BECAUSE WHEN THEY DO THE SAME THREE THINGS WILL HAPPEN: A. THEY DONT WIN THE DIVISION. B. THEY DON’T WIN A PLAYOFF GAME. C. EVERYBODY IS COOL WITH THIS. SO THE ONLY QUESTION WERE LEFT WITH IS JUST HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS CAN A TEAM FUCK UP AND FAIL? AFTER DECADES OF DETROIT LIONS FANDOM I DO BELIEVE I’VE FINALLY SEEN THEM ALL. FUCKING BAR RESCUE OFFERS MORE SURPRISES. MIGHT AS WELL SPEND MY SUNDAYS WATCHING THAT BULLSHIT INSTEAD.
AND IF YOU THINK THE FACT THAT THE TEAM IS NOW RUN BY SOME FRESHFACED NEW ENGLAND ASSHOLE WHO LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE DELIVERING MY FUCKING NEWSPAPER IS GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING WELL THEN I GUESS YOURE IN FOR A SURPRISE AFTER ALL
3. FUCKING MAGARY HITS ME UP EVERY YEAR FOR THIS AND JUST DELIGHTS IN POKING THE BEAR. ALL SMUG AND SMIRKING LIKE SPACEY IN SEVEN. “BECOME WRATH ZODIAC.” FUCK HIM. I’M DONE DANCING ON HIS STRINGS.
4. I CLEARED THE FUCK OUT OF MICHIGAN SOME TIME BACK SO MY ONLY OPTION TO WATCH THIS SHITSHOW IS THE SUNDAY TICKET. AND THE SUNDAY TICKET IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING SCAM THIS SIDE OF THE NIGERIAN BORDER. REALLY SAYS SOMETHING THAT THE MOTHERFUCKING WWE, AN INSTITUTION WITH A PROUD TRADITION OF LOW-RENT SHORT-CON CARNIE-TYPE FRAUD AND OUTRIGHT CONTEMPT FOR ITS FANS, OFFERS A FAR MORE ROBUST AND REASONABLE PAY SERVICE
5. PLAIN AND SIMPLE I’VE GOT BETTER SHIT TO DO THAN WATCH THESE SNAKEBITTEN FUCKING ASSHOLES
6. AND FINALLY MY OLD MAN CALLED ME UP THE OTHER NIGHT EXCITED FUCKING EXCITED THAT THE LIONS WON A PRESEASON GAME. A PRESEASON GAME! AND WHEN I REMINDED HIM (AND I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE I HAD TO REMIND HIM) THAT THE LIONS WON ALL FOUR PRESEASON GAMES THE YEAR THEY WENT 0-16 HE SAID TO ME WITHOUT A TRACE OF AGED WISDOM: “DIFFERENT TEAM. DIFFERENT MANAGEMENT.” HOLY SHIT I STOOD THERE IN STUNNED SILENCE FOR SO LONG HE JUST HUNG THE FUCK UP ON ME. FUCKING OLD FUCK AND HIS DUMBASS FALSE HOPE. PATHETIC. IT MAKES ME WANNA BLOW HIS GODDAMN HEAD OFF LIKE LENNIE SMALL. YOU’RE JUST TOO FUCKING STUPID FOR THIS WORLD, POPS. THAT AIN’T GONNA BE ME. NOT ANYMORE AND SURE AS HELL NOT AT THAT AGE.
THERE YOU HAVE IT. AND SO IT IS IN THE SPIRIT OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS IN DETROIT LIONS HISTORY THAT I SAY:
FUCK THIS SHIT. I QUIT.
I grew up in suburban Detroit. My father was an abusive alcoholic who would routinely beat all of us and make us sleep on the floor as punishment for whatever he thought we did wrong that day.
Passing on his fandom of the Detroit Lions was still the worst thing he’s ever done to me.
I found my journal from 2nd grade. This is now almost 23 years ago and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. My dad STILL says it every week. Yet, come Sunday, there he is.
My father is due to become a grandpa in a few months, and the Lions haven’t won a NFL championship in his lifetime. He was born in 1958, even if he dies at a ripe age of 95 he still would never see a Super Bowl.
I get sick every time I see Matt Millen.
Playoff Wins since 1958:
Mark Sanchez: 4
TJ Yates: 1
Tim Tebow: 1
Aaron Brooks: 1
Tommy Maddox: 1
The entire Lions Franchise: 1
I present to you a video my friend made of his uncle watching your average Lions game.
This is your average response from every Lions fan while watching every game of this miserable franchise.
Because on July 31 in the year 2016, I had to listen to my long-time partner and father of my child proclaim ironically that the Lions are going to be good this year because, quote, ‘they have their strongest receiving corps of my lifetime’ after signing Anquan Boldin, a player who remained on our fantasy league’s waiver wire for all of last season.
Ford Field: The only air-conditioned NFL stadium where fans still sweat like its outside.
Lee Harvey Danger:
- Zach Zenner – leave it to Detroit’s white suburbanites to get behind the scrappy white underdog they can believe in. He may just become the Lions Brandon Inge.
- Joe Lombardi put as much effort into his 7 games in control of the offense last year that I’ve been doing of my actual job the last twenty minutes I’ve been typing this up.
- Nobody deserves as much color commentary from Ronde Barber as we Lions fans apparently got last year.
- I can’t wait for Drew Sharp to have a massive erection writing allegories and similes recapping how much they suck over and over again each Monday in the Free Press after each game, win or lose.
- Every time Ameer Abdullah carried the ball, it was like playing Russian roulette with your soul – either it would be a strong run or the ball was coated in Vaseline and would shoot out like a greased melon.
- Calvin Johnson wasted his stellar career and has nothing to show for it.
- Matthew Stafford is on the decline of his career and will have nothing to show for it.
- We will be forever known as the “Analingus in the Parking Lot” team. At least Bills fans pretend to be pro wrasslers with each other, we just have one drunk asshole eating out the asshole of another drunk asshole that will be forever associated with the Detroit Lions.
They are losers. They will always be losers.
Our sad group of moron fans has to be the only ones who would dare to say our team would actually IMPROVE with the retirement of Calvin Johnson (who was still drawing double coverage), arguably one of the greatest wide receivers of all time! This has literally been said on local sports radio by our homer dummy fans more times than I can count. I can’t even take it. I wish I was born closer to ANY other city with an NFL team so I wouldn’t have to subjected to this dickpunch of a franchise year after year......Except Cleveland.
At the end of the day, the Lions are the perpetual low-hanging fruit. And after all these years I’ve realized something: Being the butt of the joke is fine. Being the butt of the same joke every year is annoying. Being the butt of the same joke every year, but realizing the truth in it is infuriating.
The only thing that has poisoned more people in Michigan than the Flint water supply is Lions fandom.
In the 70s as Henry Ford II was preparing to hand the reins of his eponymous corporation to a non-family member for the first time, his alcoholic brother William was waiting in an outer room. When ol’ Hank gave boozer Billy the happy news, Bill’s response went thus: “You’ve fucked your wives, you’ve fucked your mistresses and now you’ve fucked your own brother.” From that day on William Clay Ford prized loyalty over talent.
That gave us another 10 years of Russ Thomas, a GM that drafted first round picks on the basis of his ability to sign them cheaply. The only one he ever got right was Billy Sims because it was so obvious he never would have been allowed to live had he passed on the Oklahoma terror. Russ’s final gesture before leaving was to make sure that Jerry Vainisi, who could judge talent, didn’t get the GM job. I’m glad Russ Thomas is dead, I hope he suffered a lot. Over years. As parasites slowly consumed his organs.
Last year the Lions were able to imitate competence due to a schedule that was softer than runny dog shit in the rain. This year? Petrified brontosaurus shit. AFC and NFC west, Vikings and Bears teams that are tentatively discovering competence, Packers twice. Got to love this, if The Bears walk away from Ford field with the W (over/under is probably 22.5, take the under) 0-16 is on the table. Again. I’m excited.
Our old best player decided that he would rather just retire than play another down for the Lions.
Our new best player started playing football in 2010.
Here’s my list of memories from the Lions (I was born in 1990):
-0 playoff wins (Not counting 1991 as I was one and basically mush).
-7 winning seasons, 5 of which happened before my 7th birthday.
-Barry Sanders retiring.
-Marty Mornhinweg taking the wind in OT against the Bears.
-Drafting Joey Harrington, Mike Williams, Charles Rogers, etc.
-That one time in 2007 when we started 6-2 and finished 7-9.
-Going 0-16, and I specifically remember the Titans running for about 3,000 yards on Thanksgiving.
-2011! Playoffs! 45-28 drubbing by New Orleans.
-The 2012 season. Went to my first game which was Thanksgiving against the Texans. I saw the most consistent guy in Lions history I could remember in Jason Hanson nail the upright in OT and then Houston won.
-2014. Went to my second game and it was against the Bills. You know, THAT game where Jim Schwartz got carried off the field. But hey, we made the playoffs! And then proceeded to get screwed as only the Lions can and lose to Dallas.
-The Hail Mary against Green Bay just weeks after beating them in Lambeau for the first time in my life. I literally dropped to my knees and questioned my life choices. WHAT KIND OF DEFENSIVE FORMATION IS THAT!?!?!?!
-Calvin Johnson retiring.
That list is god awful. Then I realized my Dad has been watching them since he was a kid in the late 50's. You know when you were little and you wondered, “Jeez, why’s Dad always in such a bad mood?”. The god damn Detroit Lions, that’s why.
It took me less than 24 hours to talk myself into the Megatron-less Lions. I am an asshole.
I could give you stats for years that statistically show why the Lions suck, but you will never know what it’s like to be a Lions fan until you see a play like the one that won “play of the year” (Rodgers’ Hail Mary) and you text your 65 year old father (with no precursor) “WHERE DOES THAT ONE RANK??” And it’s not even #1. That wasn’t even CLOSE to being the most Lionsy-Lions play to ever happen. They’re constantly finding new ways to lose. Every. Year. It’s. Something. Different. I took a poll around my office and within my family and only THREE people thought the Lions might win a Super Bowl in their lifetime. My coworkers/family members are age ranged 25-85. That means that no one thinks the Lions will win the Super Bowl in the NEXT 60 YEARS.
1) Our QB has a REMARKABLY awful record against winning teams. 5-37 by my count, including 1-22 on the road. This was his record with the best receiver of his generation in his prime, and I shudder to think what it will be without Calvin. He looks like he should be wearing a seersucker suit at a cotillion where they still say “colored”. He looks like every member of One Direction got fused in a teleporter accident somehow. The team will sign him to a 7-year, $200 Mil extension, and I will weep. He is at best a middle of the road NFL quarterback, and is unequivocally the best Lions QB of my lifetime. This is the purest distillation of what it’s like being a Lions fan.
2) The fans around here are either a) mopey pricks like me who know the team is juuuust good enough to keep everyone interested with a meaningless playoff appearance every 2-4 seasons, but knows they will never ever win a Super Bowl, or, b) eternally optimistic suckers who think that a doofus like Jim Caldwell is “changing the culture” and “has the team ready to take the next step”.
3) Our coach is a total wad who cannot manage the fundamentals of coaching like clock management or challenges, let alone keep players from being defeated shells of men by week 7 when they are all but mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.
4) The Lions have had exactly 3 good running backs in my 35-year life: Billy Sims, Barry Sanders, and half a season of Jahvid Best. Two of these three players had their careers cut short by injury, and one of them retired at a hair under 30 years old. The rest of the time we get the Kevin Joneses and Cedric Irvings and Joique Bells of the world. I think we’ve had two 1,000 yard rushing backs since Barry retired 17 seasons ago, and maybe 3 or 4 1,000 yard rushing seasons from all backs since then.
5) They won at Lambeau Field last season for the first time since I was 11 years old. I am 35.
6) I will still watch every game next season because I have kicked puppy/Stockholm syndrome. Me, right now: “Hey, a new GM from the Patriots who seems like he is not a total blockhead. He made some smart choices in the draft. Cool.” Me in week 11: “They have to win every game, but they can still squeak in if Green Bay loses 4 times and a comet hits the Vikings’ defense.” Me in week 17: “I hate myself, why did I ever believe that things would be different? Where’s the whiskey?”
As the third-round clock was winding down during the 2006 draft, there was complete panic in the war room because their guy was gone and they didn’t have a backup plan. The story goes, Millen pointed to some non-descript, low-level personnel guy in the back of the room and asked who we should take. And the personnel guy, without a shred of confidence said, “Uhh…take Brian Calhoun?”
He finished with a career 54 rushing yards and was out the league in two years.
Also, I witnessed a guy punch his girlfriend in face after a game in the parking lot not more than two months after the Ray Rice tape came out. Our fans are garbage humans.
I waited on Jon Kitna. When Kitna’s brother wanted the bill, Kitna looked me square in the eye and said “This is Jon Kitna’s. This is not open for discussion.”
In December of 2008 I waited on former Lions QB Dan Orlovsky at the Macaroni Grill in Livonia, MI. That was the year the Lions went 0 and 16, and about a month and a half after Orlovsky unwittingly ran out of the back of his own end zone for a safety in a game they lost by 2 points. I didn’t recognize him when he sat down, but he had a cast on his arm so I asked him how he got hurt. He told me he hurt it playing football, so I asked him who he played football for. After a long pause he mumbled under his breath, “The Detroit Lions.” a fact he clearly did not want to admit. I responded “Oh yeah, you’re Dan Orlovsky.” Then I turned to the other guy sitting at the table, a large but not massive individual, and asked him if he played too. He said yes, and asked me to guess who he was. I didn’t recognize him at all, but I had to guess, so I said Domenic Raiola. He responded, “Ha, I wish I was Domenic Raiola.” (The first time in history anyone has ever uttered those words). Turns out it was the long snapper Don Muhlbach.
I remember they prayed for a really long time when they got their food, clearly unaware that God had abandoned them following their 4 and 0 preseason.
Also, the guy who runs the bowling alley where the Lions have their Halloween party every year said that after Tatum Bell stole newly signed RB Rudi Johnson’s luggage, Roy Williams dressed up as a Tatum Bell Hop for the party. No fucking way that was his idea. It would take an hour just to explain that joke to Roy Williams, much less the irony of his no-tipping ass dressing as a bell hop.
Our fat-faced, plantation-wedding-having, California-sun-baked turnover machine of a quarterback has the outright gall to suggest Megatron leaving might actually make the team better because other teams won’t know who he wants to throw to now. As if he could get Megatron the ball for the last three years anyway. Guess what, Matt - we don’t know who the fuck you’re going to throw the ball to either, but it would be nice if it wasn’t the other team.
Fuck Matt Stafford sideways with a dying cactus. P.S. I don’t want to waste a healthy cactus.
In 1999, when Barry Sanders abruptly retired in his prime, I was a 16 year old teenage boy who reacted by crying. I think I also burned a Sanders jersey and some of his football cards. I did all this despite having several years of learning how the Lions worked. That, and also my father lamenting how sorry he was he made me a Lions fan.
Fast forward to 2016 and Calvin Johnson’s retirement (once again in his prime). A now 33-year-old me, who at this point has at least 25 years of disappointing memories (including the 0-16 season, which I cheered for near the end, because, why not?), reacts with a good for you, Calvin for getting out of this hell-hole while you can.
I wish I could time travel and punch my 16-year-old dumbass self in the face.
Just before the Espys this year, I invited all my friends to tune in and watch all the inevitable Lions appearances, as The Other Team in every highlight reel. If anyone ever studies this phenomenon, they will find that every single NFL highlight reel ever made contains at least some footage of the Lions getting pwned. We are the Washington Generals of football.
Anyway, fast-forward to the Play of the Year category and of course, there it is: Aaron Rodgers’ astonishing Hail Mary that literally every Lions fan saw coming even before the ball was snapped. No, it wasn’t a defensive lapse or poor coaching (I know, why not put Megatron back there?). No, no my friends. That would imply a level of human agency that is just not happening with the Lions vis-a-vis their own fate, and at this point that particular fact is signed, sealed and delivered.
The Lions suck because they have, and shall, majestically and forever. Their catastrophic last-second implosions, more common and consistent over time than probability would ever allow, have become an immutable Law of the Universe. “Twas always thus, and always thus shall be.” If, like me, you must keep watching anyway, then let go your earthly football understanding and just behold in wonderment the awesome power of destiny. And congrats Aaron Rodgers, I guess.
We signed Marvin Jones because Calvin Johnson was sick of Stafford leading him into the entirety of a team’s defense and quit football. Sports radio hosts in Detroit were already trying to decide if Marvin Jones could go by Marv, Big Game Marv, or some other asinine equivalent one hour after he was signed. Looks like I get to spend another year hoping for 10-6 and a wild card or 2-14 and the number one pick, only for the Lions to go 7-9 and draft another OL in the middle of the first round.
Fuck Titus Young for making me think he was gonna be good and then letting me down. I hope that AT&T store he fell asleep in was really uncomfortable.
Matthew Stafford’s record as a starter is 42-51. He has had only two winning seasons out of seven. He lost both playoff games he played in, and has only one career road win against a winning team. Yet he is the best quarterback the Lions have had in 56 years and it isn’t even close.
Fuck the refs for calling a facemask when it didn’t exist.
Fuck Jim Caldwell for playing for the hook-and-ladder and not the Hail Mary on TNF.
Fuck Aaron Rodgers for throwing a Hail Mary.
Fuck the Lions for disappointing me for all my 20 years.
The Lions suck because despite having enough team, management, and skill related problems to fill an abandoned, downriver Ford factory plant, they’ve chosen to concentrate on what really matters: finally adding cheerleaders! In 20-fucking-16! Who needs Megatron when we have Fatt Stafford’s wife teaching unemployed car show girls how to SHAKE IT for less than minimum wage?
“Restore the Roar” is the team mantra. They are the only team in the NFC to have never played in the Super Bowl. Not the only team in the NFC to not win a Super Bowl, they haven’t even made it to the game. What roar do they have to restore?
This upcoming season will be my 16th as a fan. I’ve seen two playoff games, one soul-destroying loss, and one Reasonable Contender for Greatest Player at His Position retire at 30 rather than stick around for another 6-10 march to mediocrity, in which Matthew Stafford will win your fantasy league in Weeks 13-16 while taking the Lions out of contention for the #1 pick.
Here it is, another Lions story.
This was the year the Lions had the famous ‘shitbowl’ against the Browns where Brady Quinn matched his career touchdown passes in a single game. In a game of futility, the Lions made an impressive charge (or the Browns gave up?) to come from behind. I was in attendance with my dad, uncle, brother and cousin, in addition to a man who chose to be referred to as ‘Cousin Lee’roi’ a large man who claimed many of the hometown Lions players were ‘china dolls’.
So, in a game that was shockingly entertaining, and providing a highlight for what has been a lost decade, the Lions were charging to tie the game. My dad, known for leaving baseball games in the 6th inning to avoid traffic, decided that now is the ideal time to leave, as we live in Toronto and he wanted to hit the road. We get in the car, listening to the game. Almost instantly, we get lost, miss our turn and wander around like a lost child. We put the game on only to hear of a last second touchdown by the Lions, revived by a defensive penalty with no time left and a one point victory. We were stuck in traffic for several hours last night.
Fuck the Lions.
In the past 20 years, two generational talents at skill positions have passed through Detroit and been unquestionably the best of their time. Not only do the Lions not have so much as a Super Bowl blowout to show for Sanders’s and Johnson’s trouble, they failed so hard that each of them quit in their athletic primes because we destroyed their will to play the game. We are the only NFL franchise that actively makes the game worse for everyone watching.
I’d say fuck Jim Caldwell with a corkscrew or something, but it wouldn’t elicit a visible reaction, so it’s not worth it.
Fuck Jim Caldwell for not going for it on 4th down against the Cowboys. And fuck Matt Millen, obviously.
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