Deadspin
AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, the next two Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now THREE left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.
Happy Friday and holiday season to you all. All 12 of you still at work. As a gift to you hard-working Jews and heathens, here's one of my favorite songs to listen to while typing with my face :
a;lkdsfa;lfgkj;lsbkfj;lagijalksdjf.ad,vgmadljkal;kjasdlkadsfg;liafg;liulaadl;asdl;asd..ll;asd;lfl;adlaali;li;duli....
YEAH!
Odds and ends and other things after this little gray hyper-linked word...
Christmas is a glorious time: seven fish dago dinners, pizzelle chips with black, black coffee, and watching your neighbor set his pants on fire for the third year in a row trying to light the luminaria on the street. (More sand, moron! More sand!) It's also a season that encourages being extra nice to people for no other reason than the fact that you share this planet with them. For one week out of the year, we're all human beings of equal measure and worth. It feels unhealthy to be dour and hurtful. It's a time to open your heart, your mind to everyone. It's saying "I'm sorry" to those you may have inadvertently humiliated — or caused personal problems for because you stole a text message off of their cell phone during the Super Bowl last year and published it for all the world to see without thinking of the consequences.
So, in recognition of his illness and in the spirit of Christmas and righting a few wrongs, at this time please allow me to embrace the holiday spirit by having a few choice words with my boy Stu Scott's non-colon cancer malignancy or whatever it is..:
Hey, you brown-eyed, nasty ass motherfucker? What do you think you're doing? You think you can just climb on up there and start messing with my man's asshole like you all spooky death and shit? If I see your rotten-ass yellow polyp-making face hanging around this man's sphincter, I'm gonna climb on up in there with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch and take care of you Latin Kings-style. Get the fuck outta there before you start ruinin' shit. All sorts of shit. This man don't deserve that.
Spoken word...
(Best wishes to Stu Scott...)
Anyway ... moving on.
As we enter Week 3 of the Cultural Oddsmaker countdown, we'll continue with this self-less giving and atonement theme by acknowledging one reader whose email was, hands down, the most passionate this year, and possibly in internet history. A man named Brian Powers, who was so infuriated and offended by the Chris Benoit post that he officially turned in his commenting privileges as a symbolic gesture of his disappointment. Here are a couple of choice paragraphs from Brian's long-winded self-righteous screed. (Insert Final Jeopardy! theme music for full effect):
..I think that you owe your readership some explanation as to why you think it was acceptable to publish it in the first place. ...that at least a portion of the post was beyond poor taste, then you should have the conviction to stand up and say so.... AJ's post transcended the realm of observational humor and went for the cheap laugh borne out of shock....At the risk of assuming your editorial direction, I always thought that Deadspin was all about being outrageous and crass but with some sort of subtle intellectual edge which made it funny....This is just mean and cheap.... Whatever happen over the weekend at the Benoit house was sad an tragic. I think this bears repeating: A man murdered his wife and disabled child and then committed suicide. ...As for my commenting privileges simply summon Rob and "execute me" as you do with other posters who are a nuisance. The gesture was intended to be more symbolic than anything else....
Anyway, Brian, I'm sorry the Benoit post offended you and I apologize for being so dismissive of your first four emails. If you're still out there, please come back. I'm sure you might be busy with other things in your life — commenting on Jezebel, tampon shopping, having the extra skin on your labia surgically removed — but I'm hopeful you'll consider returning to Deadspin in 2008. I will no longer be here and it'll once again a safe place for you to insert little > symbols and yell about those darned New York Mets or whatever it is you like to do.
Now, then, on with cultural merrymaking and oddsmaking all at the same time.
This week, I'm dressing up in Dudley Moore's elf costume, cunnilinguling some figgy pudding and placing odds on some of the sporty news makers who've made this week before Christmas positvely Christ-like.
A heavy-handed Sean Taylor tribute at the Pro Bowl: 1/3
Perhaps they'll trot out another 10-man defense in tribute to their fallen NFC comrade. Maybe there will be a group of leis assembled in the center of a volcano. But here's my perfect scenario: They bring back Brian Moorman, the Bills punter, and they have him try to scramble to out of bounds again just like he did last year. Instead of Sean Taylor, they use Andy Garcia dressed in a number 21 jersey try to take him down. That way Andy can once again honor Sean's heroism, and perhaps Moorman won't get laid out like a raggedy bitch this time around. Everybody wins.
Tony Parker actually banged this lady: 1/4
Yes, the defamation lawsuit is cute and Eva Longoria's insistence that she believes her NBA husband is a one-woman lady is understandable, but COME. ON. As much as I'd like to believe that Tony Parker, Frenchman, millionaire, handsome gentleman in that non-threatening Africaucasian-type of way, has never come in contact with this woman is preposterous. If you're not an NBA player named A.C. Green, yer dick is dirty. Eva should immediately check her pubic hair for crabs wearing berets.
Laure Manaudou has gotten it in the pooper: 1/10
French women are always a little bit intimidating. They always carry an air of back alley abortions and fancy cigarettes. This swimmer lady is no different. It's amazing what some women will do once their boyfriends suggest taking some photographs "for us." What the hell is she doing in this photo (LOOK OUT! NSFW!)? That looks like some sort of prehistoric deep sea creature ? Too bad for the Italian guy that got screwed over by this playful vixen but it seems like he saved himself from a life of nights filled with flaming dildos and face-punching orgasms.
On that note, go spread some cheer...
Comments
I'll miss the Cultural Oddsmake when it's gone. All things must have their end, though. Time passes and we all- STUGH!
trying to get those 12 of us fired, huh?
Maybe The Eagles will decide to play half time of the Pro Bowl and someone can shoot Don Henley in the groin. That would give me a peaceful easy feeling.
Maybe we could even have a retard do it.
@SuperFrankieLampard: I think we're down to six now.
I will definitely use the word cunnilinguling this holiday season.
@SuperFrankieLampard: I think we're safe. IT had off today.
cunnilinguling
Can I revoke my vote for Fuck Lion and place it here? Thanks.
If your gonna tease us like that, you might as well go the hole way.
And Holiday Cheers to you fucker!
Why do you have the go anyway$? DAULERIO > Reilly !
@Im a people person. Who drinks.: IT may have had off, but the people in the cubicles around me didn't.
I will obviously have to view the last two Oddsmakers at home and not on my work computer.
Is Stu Scott in that picture:
A. Flipping the bird?
B. Chucking the deuce?
C. Singing opera?
D. About to backhand a ho?
E. Giving himself a vision test by counting how many fingers he's holding up?
F. Contracting cancer?
A lizard for a tattoo above the lady bits? Really?
/don't go to work for another hour and a half
I'll miss you AJ, when you're writing for Consumption Junction next year.
I'm guessing ether binge.
@Signal to Noise: Oh come ON, now you're just teasing those of us who want to keep our jobs.
Max Powers > Brian Powers
"I will definitely use the word cunnilinguling this holiday season."
No, there's no chance you'll be able to ... oh, you mean in conversation? Sure, that's a possibility.
Mr. Powers, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
@Avoid the Clap, Jimmy Dugan: you're really not missing a lot.
Jesus, some of the righteous indignation in that Benoit thread was annoying.
Interestingly, both commenters who "turned in their commenting privileges" have exactly 1 Deadspin comment to their names. Nancies.
@PeteJayhawk: i always thought that was kind of funny.
As one of the 12 still at work, I clicked through to see if this column will get me fired again...
Yep.
@PeteJayhawk: I heard a few more tried to turn them in, but had lost the receipt. Iracane's a motherfucker when it comes to his return policy. There was a post about it on The Consumerist.
The Balls > cunnilinguling > Yelling at Brian Powers > Yelling about the New York Mets
This bears repeating.
To all who worry about posts getting them fired:
If you had an IT department that cared about this stuff, you'd already be unemployed for refreshing Deadspin 250 times per day.
Just hang loose, everyone, we're gonna be fine!
@Avoid the Clap, Jimmy Dugan: to be fair, days like today make me not want to keep my job.
Also, I think we've accounted for 6 people working right now in this thread. 12 might have been an exaggeration.
Cultural Oddsmaker III > Rocky III
@Im a people person. Who drinks.:
That's a bitch. I can understand not giving them cash back, but not even a store credit?
Okay, I'll do it....
Is that the closest Kige has ever come to bush? (Or lack of? I never saw the full nudes yet)
@Lisa: Lots of high school punks working to fill in for the holidays. shit happens.
@PeteJayhawk: I still think Will's mandate to Daulerio is: say everything that I cannot say
how'd he know i was jewish?!
@Lisa: It gets worse, one time I asked if I could put a comment for "What you missed last night" on layaway, he got so mad he beat abouts the head and neck areas with one of those price guns.
Shit! I never checked myself! Sorry Glassy.
@Im a people person. Who drinks.:
Man...that Deadspin store is tough. Even Walmart will do layaways for you with a smile...well maybe not a smile.
Brian Powers < Brian Peppers
@Lamppost: Brian Fellows > Brian Powers
My year was going so well until I heard this news--
Sigh
@Afino: Lack of. Swimmers shave, dontcha know.
So Laure Manaudou's anal walls are covered in wood paneling?
@ArmansCopyOfSwank: i think it helps the cunnilinguling go faster.
So 3 left makes this Cultural Oddsmaker III. I can't wait for next week. 2 weeks left = Cultural Oddsmaker 2, Electric Boogaloo
@SuperFrankieLampard: Yeah, but then you can't multitask anymore - oral sex and flossing have to be tackled as two separate tasks.
Brian Bellows = fucking titfucker
Current comment up at TWWL...
"Does [Chris Low] really think the [Seminoles] still have a chance?"
-OSUfan1177
Re: Prep, motivation could set up bowl upsets
WFT? Did he just find the [ and ] keys? I bet this guy walks around and always talks making the quotes with his fingers. Douche.
When Vedder explained the song "Lukin" in his last interview with Rolling Stone, it was actually pretty creepy ... this woman swore that Vedder was the father of her child and crashed her car into his house. He went to Matt Lukin's house (the bassist from Mudhoney) to hide or something.
This brought nothing to the conversation. Wee.
Ummm... balls.
@Phony Gwynn: It's Brian Fellow. The 's' sound coms from the title of the sketch containg a possessive -- Brian Fellow's Safari Planet.
@She Blinded Me With Violence: That must chafe.
Please take ssw with you
I was hoping to see an increase in the amount of nude breasts, but this is better than nothing. Though, that Kige picture might get me fired for vomiting a little on my keyboard.