Programming note: Our beloved Emeritus is traveling this week. Whether it's by air or through space and time, he refused to confirm. In his place, I will be presenting this week's Ten Humans. Sort of.
I say "sort of" because, in a decision that was as baffling as it was poorly timed, this site's esteemed editor, Alejandro Jamario Daulerio, decided to invest the entire week's budget in bacon futures. Consequently, I was informed that we didn't have the funds available for me to write about ten whole humans, and that I had to limit myself to ten specific body parts instead. Even worse, I was told that Roy Halladay's aura of invincibility did not count as a body part. What is this, Russia?
In any event, here is this week's list. Apologies in advance to all you vestigial tail fans, but the news has been pretty quiet on that front. Unless my Google Alert feed has failed me.
Dikembe Mutombo's Left Knee. Specifically, its rupturing during last week's game against Portland. Even before Mutombo announced his retirement the following day, you knew his career was over. Which was sad, because you hate to see the career of any athlete, let alone one as likable as him, end with them being carried off on a stretcher,
screaming gutterly warbling in agony. He was in so much pain, a young blind child sitting courtside was overheard asking, "Mommy, is Mrs. Chewbacca having a baby?"
Although it's not like a storybook retirement guarantees a problem-free future or anything. John Elway hung them up on top of the world, and even he's had his struggles with post-football life. At the end of the day, I'd be happy to go out the same way my dad did. He was fired after he was caught having sex on his boss's desk. The only thing I'd change is that I'd have someone else there with me.
John Daly's Wang. Did you hear? It's longer than the line-ups at the DMV! Or so wrote Rick Reilly (probably) in his 2004 book, Who's Your Caddy? [note: I thought we had already determined it was Faizon Love?]. In a recent interview, Daly expressed displeasure with this disclosure, claiming that when he (told? showed?) it to Reilly, it was supposed to be off the record.