It's The Obama All-Star Game Sponsored By Taco Bell

No tie, no 15-inning thriller this year. Instead this year's All-Star Game will be remembered for one thing: It's All About The Roosevelts, Babay.

The sure-to-be song of the summer, disguised as the LONGEST TACO BELL COMMERCIAL EVER, had burrowed its way into my brain, forcing out fractions, and any possible memories of the shortest (2:31) ASG in 21 years. But I'll try to piece things together in this 4-3 AL win.

First, the pregame lead-up. Two of the Red Sox partied down with a bevy of Playboy models. (Link possibly NSFW, but who cares? You're not reading Deadspin at work, for once!) In the annual mascot relay, Stomper blatantly cheated to give his team the early lead, while Mr. Redlegs committed second-degree assault on Fredbird. And if naked women and furries don't get your motor running, Tim Lincecum promised to "have Matt Cain put a leash around my neck and keep me in my room."

And, of course, the Home Run Derby won by Prince Fielder, which ESPN decided to commemorate with a vaguely inappropriate headline.

The game itself kicked off with controversy. The smart money was on Obama actually getting the ball over the plate with the ceremonial first pitch, but thanks to FOX's terrible camerawork (or a deep-seated conspiracy that reaches the highest echelons of government) viewers were left in the dark. Here, photographic proof that Pujols caught it on the fly—after moving up to catch the 58-foot slider.

The game itself was more notable for technical glitches than play on the field. Please note that neither of these gentlemen are Ryan Braun or Ben Zobrist.

And please note that Groundskeeper Willie is now working for ESPN.com. (H/T: readers Chris and Steve)

Since we're pretending this is a real sporting event that matters, here are your talking points for tomorrow:

Heroes: Carl Crawford, for saving Papelbon's ass and winning MVP. Curtis Granderson's game-changing triple. Mariano Rivera's kid, for spitting on Derek Jeter.

Goats: Albert Pujols' key error. Ryan Howard for not hitting a 500-ft HR like the script called for.

Outcome: One less World Series game at Chávez Ravine.

Legacy: