Just Like You, Cam Newton Is Not Having Sex

According to multiple reports from NFL insiders and Deadspin.com, neither you nor Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton are having sex in the month of March. Sources indicate that the news regarding Newton comes as a surprise to those around the league, but about you, not so much.

While the reports of your chastity are news to no one and are relegated to the agate page if they are covered at all, Newton’s celibacy was revealed on network TV—on last night’s Late Late Show—and is front-page news on ProFootballTalk, which noted and transcribed the announcement. Another difference is that Newton’s not having sex by choice, while you certainly didn’t elect to be unloveable.

Newton says that each month of the offseason, he sets himself challenges. In February, he ate vegan. For the month of March, no sex.

“It makes my mind stronger,” Newton said. “So when the season comes around, I say if I did those things, I’m mentally stronger.”

“God, it’s been a while,” you said.

Newton has a long-term girlfriend with whom he has three children, and she is very lovely and he finds her sexually desirable, so denying himself the pleasure of coupling with her represents a real challenge and a real sacrifice. For you this is just another month.

Newton is handsome, talented, wealthy, fashionable, and fit, and he and his model girlfriend would each be extremely eligible, and capable of finding sex partners anywhere they went, if they weren’t so in love with each other. Newton’s abstinence is denying the universe, if only for a month, the beauty of a physical congress very different than whatever pallid, grunting heaves accompanied the act—which itself looked like two damp, hairless aurochs fighting over a single tuber—the last time you performed it, if you can even remember when that was.

Of course, this does not prevent Newton and his girlfriend from sharing many other physical, emotional, and intellectual acts of devotion, or from basking in the glow of their children, the harvest of their love, as well as the life they’ve built together. You would give your most prized possessions just to recall what it’s like to be touched.

Unlike you, Cam Newton will be having sex in April.