LeBron Watch, Day 55: Dan Gilbert's Top Secret Second Letter To Cleveland

The Cavs owner has already racked up a $100,000 penalty for ripping LeBron James, and now, in the wake of Zydrunas Ilgauskas's departure for Miami, he appears to be gunning for a second fine. Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio, Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight, and residents of Kaunas, Lithuania;

As you know, our former brittle, aging center is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

It was announced with a cowardly "press release" that our once-beloved "Z" has reached a "Decision" to play alongside the motherfucking piece of shit who betrayed us all last week.

Clearly, this is disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that we had no further use for him. He hasn't played much basketball for the last couple of seasons, he's slow as molasses, and once he taught Anderson Varejao how to eat with utensils and use a condom, he wasn't of much use.

Still, you simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I personally hope that someone notices that Jesse Jackson's son tried to buy a seat in the U.S. Senate from Rod Blagojevich."

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU DiGiorno pizza, right to your seat at the Q, free of charge. All you can eat. And if the Cavs lose by 15 or less, visit the locker room after the game, where Antawn Jamison and Mo Williams will give all fans free footrubs.

Dan Gilbert Majority Owner Cleveland Cavaliers

Scott Raab, author of Real Hollywood Stories, is a Cleveland State University graduate and has been an Esquire Writer at Large since 1997

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