Soccer Page 324 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Arsenal Looked Like The Best Team In England This Weekend, But They'll Fuck It Up Somehow
Meet “Troopz,” aka The Arsenal Trooper, aka (as his Twitter bio puts it) “Mr Blud/Fam,” aka the loudest, demandingest, angriest, most exuberant, all-around best Arsenal fan. He is, for once, very happy with his station in life as a Gunner today. He has good reason to be....
Michael Essien's 30th Birthday Party Was Just The Saddest<em></em>
Remember those early 2010s Jose Mourinho-led Real Madrid squads, who seemed to fight with everybody—opponents, Barcelona, referees, Barcelona, La Liga, Barcelona, teammates, and Barcelona? ...
Known Man-Eating Fish Strikes England, Devours Goalkeeping Coach On Pitch
A tragedy was narrowly avoided this weekend when a gigantic, basketball jersey-clad fish, presumably hired as the halftime entertainment for the day’s Derby County-Blackburn match, attacked a poor goalkeeping coach in the middle of its act. Luckily, the man was not seriously harmed....
FIFA Shutters Anti-Racism Task Force, Because There's No More Racism In Soccer
FIFA has chosen to dissolve its anti-racism task force. According to the Associated Press, the organization believes that the committee has “completely fulfilled its temporary mission.”...
Premier League Player Suspended Four Games For Homophobic Tweets From Four Years Ago
The F.A. has concluded its investigation into controversial tweets made by Burnley striker Andre Gray in 2012, and has imposed upon him a four-match suspension. The tweets in question ranged from sexist to homophobic, with the most inflammatory including his apparent wish that gays would “burn” and ...
Landon Donovan And I Would Like To Announce Our Availability For The USMNT
In some ways, Landon Donovan and I are very different people. He is an internationally famous and widely beloved MLS legend who just recently decided to unretire from the sport he was born to play and rejoin the L.A. Galaxy. I am a largely anonymous yet widely loathed MLS hater who never played prof...
Mario Balotelli Scores Two More Goals, Remains On Fire
Mario Balotelli has always been kind of a headcase. Of late, his nuttiness has unfortunately overshadowed his undeniable abilities. But now, after commemorating his second start with his new club Nice with his second two-goal match, it’s beginning to look like maybe Balo is more crazy good than just...
Christian Pulisic Is Too Good To Be Underhyped
It wasn’t even two whole weeks ago that Borussia Dortmund manager Thomas Tuchel sought to keep the hype flames being stoked by eager Christian Pulisic fans under control. Sure, it’s neat that Pulisic has done well with the USMNT, I guess, Tuchel basically said. But let’s be real: he was doing it aga...
Yaya Touré Won't Play For Man City Again Unless His Shit-Talking Agent Apologizes
After new Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola left Yaya Touré off City’s Champions League roster, Touré’s agent, Dimitri Seluk, said his client was humiliated:...
Great And Loyal Soccer Dog Is A Better Goalkeeper Than Human Counterpart
Look at this cute little Chilean puppy, recognizing that the keeper on the team he supports was in trouble, and channeling his inner Air Bud by running out onto the pitch and making a clutch play to save the day. Good doggie....
Manchester United Have A Wayne Rooney Problem
Despite what you may have heard, Wayne Rooney does not in fact suck. He remains a really good Premier League player who is very smart and boasts a unique skill set that can be quite valuable to the right team. However, he was really bad in Manchester United’s 3-1 loss to Watford, and it’s becoming i...
Edinson Cavani Scores 4 Goals In First Half, Somehow Still Looks Kinda Bad
Finally, the Soccer Gods have seen fit to smile upon poor old Edinson Cavani. For the Uruguayan striker’s brave and unrelenting tilt at the enormous metaphorical windmill that has been tormenting him—gusting his first touches four yards further than required, blowing wide shots that should be gimme ...
Jordan Henderson Scores Dipping Rocket From Distance
Surprisingly, that is Jordan Henderson—not Philippe Coutinho—scoring a beautiful curling, dipping effort from almost 30 yards to put Liverpool up 2-0 away at Chelsea. ...
Blind Brazilian Soccer Man Scores A Couple Bangers In The Paralympics
Meet Jefinho, the blind soccer five-a-side player who’s been called the “Paralympic Pelé.” In the semifinals of a Paralympics against China, Jefinho demonstrated how he earned such a lofty moniker by dusting the entire Chinese defense before cracking in a shot from distance—twice....
Leicester City Aren't Done Yet
Leicester City won the Premier League last season, so this year they’re in the Champions League. Let me repeat that: Leicester City, a team that three seasons ago was happily dashing about in England’s second tier, somehow plucked up more points than Manchester United and Arsenal and Liverpool and C...
Edinson Cavani Is A Hero
Maybe we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe Edinson Cavani—the once world-bestriding striker who now seems trapped in his own private purgatory, one where his intelligent movement and powerful runs allow him to crash through defenses at will, only for all semblance of confidence and skill and ...
Evil Person Ruins Lionel Messi's Career In Video Game
One of the chief appeals of the much-beloved video game series Football Manager is seeing how this meticulously-researched game that goes to absurd lengths for realism forecasts the future, and how you, by way of your invented manager avatar, can affect that future. Usually, gamers accomplish this t...
Here's Barcelona, Literally Walking The Ball Into The Net
Great goals come in all shapes and sizes. A particularly satisfying kind of wondergoal is the one where the players tip-tap the ball between each other, snaking their way through the entire defense with technique and quickness rather than brute physicality, and only sliding the ball over the goal li...
Soccer Man Gets Extremely Hyped About This Dope Thing He Just Did
It’s not often that defenders are the architects of highlight reel-quality plays, and seeing as an acrobatic goal-line clearance is basically the defensive equivalent of a golazo for an attacker, it makes sense that Bursaspor’s Aziz Behich was super pumped after pulling off this amazing feat:...
Mario Balotelli Is Back, Baby!
The shirt colors look familiar but the team is different, and so are the country and the pressure and the expectations, and maybe even the player, too. Mario Balotelli is back on the soccer field for the first time in a long time, and he’s doing good things for the first time in even longer....