christ Page 38 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
American Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Stomped All Over Benfica<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund lost 1-0 to Benfica in Lisbon, Portugal two weeks ago, necessitating a strong performance today in the second leg of their Round of 16 Champions League tie to advance. They needn’t worry, because the wonderteen was there. ...
Former NFL Player Loses High School Coaching Job Over Old Photo Of Him Holding Booze
Thanks to some snitching parents and a reactionary, uptight school administration, former NFL corner Fernando Bryant is now out of a job....
Chris Christie Tries Sports Bloviating, Is Bad At That, Too
Chris Christie, a man who lacks charm, wit, or the support of either major political party, went on SNY TV last night to stan for Mets by taking weak-ass shots at the Phillies....
Borussia Dortmund Will Soon Be So Damn Good
In what has been a pretty tame January transfer window—unless Manchester United discarding spare parts gets you excited—Borussia Dortmund made perhaps the biggest splash today when they signed 17-year-old Swedish phenom Alexander Isak, along with extending the contract of the world’s future best pla...
The Spy Who Compiled The Golden Showers Dossier Helped Bring Down Sepp Blatter
A day after Donald Trump held a press conference to decry Buzzfeed’s reporting, spout nonsensically about how he doesn’t do treason, and claim that he wouldn’t take part in a golden shower party because he’s a germaphobe, the Wall Street Journal has reported the identity of the British spy who helpe...
Christian Slater Is Ready For Your Boat Takes
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Christmas Watch: We Look Back On Christmas
Some would have you believe that Christmas is over. But is it? Yes. But how was it? ...
What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?<em></em>
OK, so you’ve already learned about all the things we shoved inside ourselves last year. But what about our dangly bits? Rest assured, we punished them....
The Cleveland Browns Are 1-14
The Cleveland Browns beat the San Diego Chargers this afternoon, 20-17. Rejoice. ...
Good News—Your Job Is Closed On Christmas
I just walked by a grocery store with a sign in the window saying they would be open until 6:30 p.m. on Christmas. Funny joke! If you’re an employee there, you should know that’s wrong—everything is closed on Christmas. ...
Hmmm, Yes, I Am Extremely Into This Game In Which 11,000 Penguins War With 4,000 Santas
Here we have a legitimately captivating video in which the makers of Epic Battle Simulator (video games are good) demonstrate what their game is capable of. This video is eight minutes long, and I watched the whole damn thing:...
I Bought A Fake Christmas Tree Because I’m Not A Deluded Simpleton
Before we get into the Funbag, some basic housecleaning: There will NOT be a Funbag next week. Go watch a movie, or take a road trip, or eat the entire caramel section of one of those big popcorn tins instead. I’ll be back in the New Year. Also, if Santa doesn’t get you The Hike for Christmas, tell ...
Christian McCaffrey, Leonard Fournette Wisely Choose To Skip Exhibition Games
Two of the nation’s top running backs will be on the sidelines come their respective bowl games, and they’re smart as hell for sitting. ...
A Definitive Ranking Of The 25 Best Holiday Songs Ever Recorded
Two years ago, we scientifically ranked every Christmas song. That remains a helpful reference, but it’s not a ranking of holiday song recordings. Here, then, is a ranking of the top 25 seasonal songs ever recorded, and it is not debatable because it is 100% accurate. (A Spotify playlist featuring m...
May This Philadelphia Opossum Bring You Holiday Cheer
This is Gary. Say hi to Gary. Merry Christmas Gary, you trashcat (his words, not mine, although I’d use the same words)....
Big Strong Santa Will Get You Feeling Festive
You wanna see a guy who looks like Santa Claus deadlift 650 pounds while some EDM-inflected Christmas music plays in the background? Hell yeah you do!...
Christmas Watch: Right Now It's All About Christmas
It is almost Christmas time but what does it mean across America? Here is the news....
Gifts For Very Good Dogs
Dogs don’t really understand the concept of time, holidays, or seasonal gift giving, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make sure to let them know that they are very, very good pups....
Trump's Transition Team Is Just Now Learning What A President Does
It’d be an understatement to say that Donald Trump isn’t exactly prepared for the task at hand. And we already know that he “didn’t want to jinx himself” with too much preparation pre-win. According to a source closely connected to the Trump transition team, though, the reality of the situation is w...
