emo Page 45 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Arm Yourself Against The Mosquito, Your One True Enemy
It is a time of war. We are under attack, and every woman, man, and child must fend for themselves. They are coming for us, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them. We must fight until we can fight no more. I’m so tired I could cry. ...
Chelsea Settle Former Team Doctor's Lawsuit Against Club And José Mourinho
After José Mourinho blew up on then-Chelsea team doctor Eva Carneiro during a game back in August, apparently for her unforgivable sin of tending to an injured player, and after he then demoted her for said unforgivable sin, and after Carneiro was like “Screw this, I’m out of here, and I’m suing all...
Staycation Out Of Bed
A long weekend approaches. Let’s say that you have not been blessed with the kind of friends or family who plan nice things for your lazy self to do (while smoothly handling all the tedious logistics), or that you have purposefully blocked this space of time out to do nothing and be with no one. Slo...
Chelsea Literally Own "José Mourinho"
If you’re wondering why it’s been taking Manchester United and José Mourinho to seal their inevitable marriage, you’re not alone. With all the big things like salary and years and the like already hammered out per reports, all that’s left are the small details. Only the small details in internationa...
NFL Breaks Up Pete Morelli's Entire Officiating Crew After Bizarrely Terrible Season
There really is no way to describe Pete Morelli’s 2015 season other than as a nightmare. Blown calls—lots of them, and in very visible situations—led to the Morelli crew unsurprisingly being left out of the postseason, and now the league has come down with its strongest censure short of termination:...
How Do You Sustain A Museum Built Around An Atrocity?
It is difficult, for a number of good reasons, to wake up on any given day and resolve to visit the 9/11 Museum. That it is struggling to lure local visitors may not surprise you. A new Wall Street Journal piece details the museum’s attempts to cope: a new marketing campaign, advertising on the subw...
Who's Behind The Louis van Gaal Smear Campaign?
We’re reportedly only hours away from Manchester United’s beleaguered manager Louis van Gaal finally getting the ax, and maybe only days away from the similarly inevitable announcement that José Mourinho’s ass will replace van Gaal’s in that gilded though bloodstained manager’s seat at Old Trafford....
Here's The Prettiest Goal Of The Weekend, By Far
John Quenneville’s fake/between-the-legs goal is the highlight, but Ivan Provorov’s long pass to set it up is also worth admiring. Hell, just enjoy the full sequence, because it’s gorgeous and I’ve already watched it seven times....
Make A Ham Sandwich, Dunk It In Cream Sauce, And Call It A Croque Monsieur
I often wonder whether the infamous French grouchiness isn’t born of resentment over the fact that the most fertile, bountiful turf in all of the Western world has given them only the third-best cuisine, behind both Spain and Italy. That’s gotta blow. Everything grows in France, and beautifully, and...
Getting Angry Makes Almost Everything Worse
Broken news: people these days are angry about lots of stuff. This anger has manifested in varying degrees of badness and goodness, depending on your perspective: the ascent of Donald Trump, Black Lives Matter activism, comments sections anywhere at all....
Happy Anniversary To Kerry Wood's 20-Strikeout Game
There’s never a bad time to relive the day Kerry Wood, then a 21-year-old rookie, struck out 20 goddamn Astros in a single game....
Hafþór Björnsson, The Mountain, Consumes So Much Goddamn Food
Hafþór Björnsson, the strongman who played The Mountain on Game of Thrones, shared his daily diet as he trains for World’s Strongest Man 2016. He advises against normal humans following his regimen, and it’s obvious why when you add up the amount of food....
Serena Williams Makes Cameo Appearance In Beyoncé <i>Lemonade</i> Video
Tonight’s much-anticipated but mysterious HBO program Lemonade has proven—we think—to be Beyoncé’s upcoming album in longform video. One track (Update: now that the tracklist is out it appears to be titled “Sorry”) featured Serena Williams as a featured dancer; here it is, with lyrics (via closed ca...
You Will Absolutely Guess Which Emoji Bryce Harper Has On His Bat Handle
Come on, it’s Bryce Harper. It shouldn’t take you more than 10 seconds to figure this one out....
Pro Cyclist Antoine Demoitié Dies After Getting Hit By Motorcycle During Race (UPDATE)
Twenty-five year old Belgian cyclist Antoine Demoitié was racing at Gent Wevelgem for Wanty-Groupe Gobert this morning, when he was hit by a race motorcycle after crashing. He was taken to the ICU at a nearby hospital in Lille, France, where his team announced that his condition was “extremely serio...
Peeps Are The Worst Seasonal Candy
Easter is upon us. You know this—even if you don’t have a grandmother sending increasingly frantic texts asking what time you’ll be there for dinner on Sunday—because the commercials have all gone pastel and there are goddamn Peeps everywhere. If you don’t care about the religious significance, East...
What On Earth Is Going On With José Mourinho's Manchester United Pre-Contract?
We can all agree that the big takeaway from the pre-contract José Mourinho has reportedly signed with Manchester United is the simple fact that, after a few months on the sidelines, no doubt stewing over the calamity that was his final season at Chelsea, our man Mourinho will almost certainly be bac...
Report: It's Mourinho Time, Baby!
The best parts of the first half of this very weird Premier League season were most certainly Chelsea melting down and playing like dogpiss and also all the wacky hijinks José Mourinho got himself into. Now, according to El Pais (Sp.), our hero has signed a “pre-contract agreement” with Manchester U...
Multiple Riders Accuse Arnaud Démare Of Cheating To Win Milan-San Remo
Yesterday’s Milan-San Remo was as chaotic, crash-happy, and dramatic as the first Monument of the cycling season should be. A landslide blocked the course and forced a redirect, Michael Matthews ate shit, poor debutante Fernando Gaviria fell at maybe the worst possible time, and Frenchman Arnaud Dém...
Milan-San Remo Is A Brutal Throwback To Cycling's Old Days
It was sometime near the 240th kilometer of the 2014 Milan-San Remo when Luca Paolini’s hands were so brittle and frozen that the Katusha team car had to heat up water in an electric kettle, bottle it in the car, and get it to Paolini, so he could dump it on his useless digits to shock enough feelin...