What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

While collecting insertions into various orifices for our annual feature, we stumbled across a good number of truly awful penis-related mishaps. Culled from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, here's a year's worth of self-abuse.

All descriptions are verbatim from ER admittance records:

PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS

BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH

STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX

CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING

WAS AT A WATER PARK AND RAN INTO A POLE, FOREHEAD AND PENIS CONTUSION

HAS BEEN WRAPPING TISSUES AROUND PENIS WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM;DYSURIA

WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS

GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS

LACERATION PENIS WHEN GRABBED DURING BASKETBALL GAME

WHILE PUTTING ON PJ'S HE HIT HIS PENIS AGAINST THE WALL

WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR

WAS WALKING IN HOME AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR BOARDS STRUCK PENIS

LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE

DEVELOPED A LESION TO PENIS AFTER WEARING SOMEONE ELSES PANTS

SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT

BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER

ON TREADMILL, FELL WITH PANTS GETTING CAUGHT & PULLED INTO TREADMILL, INJURY TO PENIS, PENILE SWELLING & PAIN, TENDERNESS; LACERATION OF PENIS

WALKING ON A TREADMILL AS IT WAS GOING VERY SLOWLY AND FELL OFF EDGE CAUGHT PENIS ON THE TREADS ABRASION PENIS

DROPPED A 10LB WEIGHT ONTO PENIS

WAS JUMPING FROM ONE COUCH TO ANOTHER NOW PAIN TO PENIS.

SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION

FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE.

RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE

HEARD A POP TAKING OFF BOXERS. PENILE FRACTURE

WAS SITTING ON COUCH @ HOME, WHEN SIBLING THREW A LARGE TOY TRUCK AT HIM HITTING PENIS. TRAUMA.

OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.

SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS

PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT

USING A MILK JUG FOR A URINAL, SCRAPED PENIS ON ROUGH EDGE OF PLASTIC

HAS BEEN PUTTING HOT TOWELS ON HIS PENIS, & STRETCHING IT , TO MAKE IT BIGGER, SAW IT ON INTERNET-PENIS PAIN.

Be careful out there.